It only seems appropriate that I take some time out to give thanks on this day. While I have been in a bit of a self-imposed slump, I have come to see that the mental walls that I construct are there to force me to tear them down...sometimes quickly sometimes slowly. For this insight I am Thankful.
I started this day at a 6:30 meeting listening to people share their gratitude and thanks. I need these constant reminders that the program works and these people are examples speaking...I don' know how long they have been sober or how long they will stay sober, but today they had the ability to share their experience and it is my experience. Each one of these stories helped to chip away at my wall.
Following the meting I spent a few hours with my family delivering meals on wheels. This was my first experience doing this and it was a great lesson in the power of humility for me. To me this was about not only delivering the meals to these people who need assistance, but also sharing the spirit of the holiday with my children so that they can understand the importance of helping others. I hope to teach them this so that they can keep reminding me of this lesson as well.
This was a very different Thanksgiving experience from my norm which was made up of gluttonous eating & drinking. Relatively speaking, this was a very humble thanksgiving and is exactly what I needed today.
I feel that I'm getting back on solid footing emotionally and spiritually and ready to go to work on those mental/emotional walls that remain in my way. It may take some time to do this, but that's OK...this is my opportunity to practice patience and humility. Happy Thanksgiving.
11/27/2008
11/25/2008
Falling Back
I'm writing now because I feel like shit. I must say that I have not felt this way in a very long time and it is quite humbling. I had a good day running errands, going to a meeting, a workout and picking up my kids. Not sure if there was a trigger or what it was that set me off, but I'm off.
I'm feeling lonely, angry, resentful and depressed all at the same time. I'm a raging jealous, control craving lunatic. I can hear it in my voice and can feel it in my chest...this is the pain that I have been hearing about that can be so dangerous. The funny thing is that my jealousy is purely based on thoughts that I have completely created...and also have an agreement that in the separation of my marriage that we are free to date and establish other relationships if we choose. This is why I call myself a control-craving lunatic. It is all about me and what I feel like I need right now and to Hell with everyone and any anything that gets in my way. What a horrible and destructive way to live...and I DON'T WANT TO ANYMORE!!!
I know I need help and the help I need is available for me...it is in the name of a power greater than myself. This is something that I have battled with from day 1 in AA. I do believe I have faith in something...I did feel an awakening that moment it struck me that I needed to stop drinking...I have seen countless people in recovery who are free and happy and I know that I want to be released from me. It hit me the other night that I am definitely over thinking so much of this and the solution that I'm seeking is the simple ability to turn it over and put it in God's hands...not just some things, but everything.
The good news is that I don't even have a fleeting thought to have a drink. I can take solace in the fact that these moments in the past have been springboards for growth and I have hope that this is just part of the path that I need to take to get where I'm supposed to be. I do feel better unloading a bit and will follow this up with a few minutes of just relaxing. praying and making the effort to let go of these feelings and turn them over to God.
I'm feeling lonely, angry, resentful and depressed all at the same time. I'm a raging jealous, control craving lunatic. I can hear it in my voice and can feel it in my chest...this is the pain that I have been hearing about that can be so dangerous. The funny thing is that my jealousy is purely based on thoughts that I have completely created...and also have an agreement that in the separation of my marriage that we are free to date and establish other relationships if we choose. This is why I call myself a control-craving lunatic. It is all about me and what I feel like I need right now and to Hell with everyone and any anything that gets in my way. What a horrible and destructive way to live...and I DON'T WANT TO ANYMORE!!!
I know I need help and the help I need is available for me...it is in the name of a power greater than myself. This is something that I have battled with from day 1 in AA. I do believe I have faith in something...I did feel an awakening that moment it struck me that I needed to stop drinking...I have seen countless people in recovery who are free and happy and I know that I want to be released from me. It hit me the other night that I am definitely over thinking so much of this and the solution that I'm seeking is the simple ability to turn it over and put it in God's hands...not just some things, but everything.
The good news is that I don't even have a fleeting thought to have a drink. I can take solace in the fact that these moments in the past have been springboards for growth and I have hope that this is just part of the path that I need to take to get where I'm supposed to be. I do feel better unloading a bit and will follow this up with a few minutes of just relaxing. praying and making the effort to let go of these feelings and turn them over to God.
11/24/2008
Day ???...Typical Behavior!
Yes, you can say that I have a tendency to be all or nothing! I stopped writing this blog for one day over 7 months ago and have thought about it nearly every day...yet have done nothing. This is a great example of the pattern of my life. I go "all in" for a period of time be it working out, eating right, working, writing, etc...and then I take 1 day of and I'm gone. We'll I'm back.
With this pattern in my life, how in the hell have I stayed sober? I think I hit on the answer to that last night in re-reading "How it Works" in the Big Book. I need to stop trying to take control of outcomes and start taking my entire life one day at a time and apply the principles of the program in all of my affairs. This means turning my will and my life over to my Higher Power. For once this actually makes sense to me.
After reading last night and reflecting on the reading (not analyzing and trying to figure it out) it just seemed so easy...LET IT GO! This is exactly what I did to get sober. When I faced myself in that moment, I surrendered. In that moment the obsession to drink was lifted in such a way that it could have only been by something greater than me. I spent so much time thinking about not drinking, but could not beat the obsession until that moment.
My plan now is to use the program of AA not only to keep me sober, but to use the experience to build my life and my future. I don't know what it will look like, but I have decided that if i give myself and my will that I will be pleasantly surprised by the results. It's a leap of faith, but I have seen enough in the rooms to know that the future that the 12 steps hold for me is much better than the pain and loneliness that led me to this program.
So I have removed the pressure of writing everyday, I have decided to use this space as a place where I can express myself and share my journey without a hook. It is about reovery and living life as it comes. So I'm back...today.
With this pattern in my life, how in the hell have I stayed sober? I think I hit on the answer to that last night in re-reading "How it Works" in the Big Book. I need to stop trying to take control of outcomes and start taking my entire life one day at a time and apply the principles of the program in all of my affairs. This means turning my will and my life over to my Higher Power. For once this actually makes sense to me.
After reading last night and reflecting on the reading (not analyzing and trying to figure it out) it just seemed so easy...LET IT GO! This is exactly what I did to get sober. When I faced myself in that moment, I surrendered. In that moment the obsession to drink was lifted in such a way that it could have only been by something greater than me. I spent so much time thinking about not drinking, but could not beat the obsession until that moment.
My plan now is to use the program of AA not only to keep me sober, but to use the experience to build my life and my future. I don't know what it will look like, but I have decided that if i give myself and my will that I will be pleasantly surprised by the results. It's a leap of faith, but I have seen enough in the rooms to know that the future that the 12 steps hold for me is much better than the pain and loneliness that led me to this program.
So I have removed the pressure of writing everyday, I have decided to use this space as a place where I can express myself and share my journey without a hook. It is about reovery and living life as it comes. So I'm back...today.
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