It only seems appropriate that I take some time out to give thanks on this day. While I have been in a bit of a self-imposed slump, I have come to see that the mental walls that I construct are there to force me to tear them down...sometimes quickly sometimes slowly. For this insight I am Thankful.
I started this day at a 6:30 meeting listening to people share their gratitude and thanks. I need these constant reminders that the program works and these people are examples speaking...I don' know how long they have been sober or how long they will stay sober, but today they had the ability to share their experience and it is my experience. Each one of these stories helped to chip away at my wall.
Following the meting I spent a few hours with my family delivering meals on wheels. This was my first experience doing this and it was a great lesson in the power of humility for me. To me this was about not only delivering the meals to these people who need assistance, but also sharing the spirit of the holiday with my children so that they can understand the importance of helping others. I hope to teach them this so that they can keep reminding me of this lesson as well.
This was a very different Thanksgiving experience from my norm which was made up of gluttonous eating & drinking. Relatively speaking, this was a very humble thanksgiving and is exactly what I needed today.
I feel that I'm getting back on solid footing emotionally and spiritually and ready to go to work on those mental/emotional walls that remain in my way. It may take some time to do this, but that's OK...this is my opportunity to practice patience and humility. Happy Thanksgiving.
11/27/2008
11/25/2008
Falling Back
I'm writing now because I feel like shit. I must say that I have not felt this way in a very long time and it is quite humbling. I had a good day running errands, going to a meeting, a workout and picking up my kids. Not sure if there was a trigger or what it was that set me off, but I'm off.
I'm feeling lonely, angry, resentful and depressed all at the same time. I'm a raging jealous, control craving lunatic. I can hear it in my voice and can feel it in my chest...this is the pain that I have been hearing about that can be so dangerous. The funny thing is that my jealousy is purely based on thoughts that I have completely created...and also have an agreement that in the separation of my marriage that we are free to date and establish other relationships if we choose. This is why I call myself a control-craving lunatic. It is all about me and what I feel like I need right now and to Hell with everyone and any anything that gets in my way. What a horrible and destructive way to live...and I DON'T WANT TO ANYMORE!!!
I know I need help and the help I need is available for me...it is in the name of a power greater than myself. This is something that I have battled with from day 1 in AA. I do believe I have faith in something...I did feel an awakening that moment it struck me that I needed to stop drinking...I have seen countless people in recovery who are free and happy and I know that I want to be released from me. It hit me the other night that I am definitely over thinking so much of this and the solution that I'm seeking is the simple ability to turn it over and put it in God's hands...not just some things, but everything.
The good news is that I don't even have a fleeting thought to have a drink. I can take solace in the fact that these moments in the past have been springboards for growth and I have hope that this is just part of the path that I need to take to get where I'm supposed to be. I do feel better unloading a bit and will follow this up with a few minutes of just relaxing. praying and making the effort to let go of these feelings and turn them over to God.
I'm feeling lonely, angry, resentful and depressed all at the same time. I'm a raging jealous, control craving lunatic. I can hear it in my voice and can feel it in my chest...this is the pain that I have been hearing about that can be so dangerous. The funny thing is that my jealousy is purely based on thoughts that I have completely created...and also have an agreement that in the separation of my marriage that we are free to date and establish other relationships if we choose. This is why I call myself a control-craving lunatic. It is all about me and what I feel like I need right now and to Hell with everyone and any anything that gets in my way. What a horrible and destructive way to live...and I DON'T WANT TO ANYMORE!!!
I know I need help and the help I need is available for me...it is in the name of a power greater than myself. This is something that I have battled with from day 1 in AA. I do believe I have faith in something...I did feel an awakening that moment it struck me that I needed to stop drinking...I have seen countless people in recovery who are free and happy and I know that I want to be released from me. It hit me the other night that I am definitely over thinking so much of this and the solution that I'm seeking is the simple ability to turn it over and put it in God's hands...not just some things, but everything.
The good news is that I don't even have a fleeting thought to have a drink. I can take solace in the fact that these moments in the past have been springboards for growth and I have hope that this is just part of the path that I need to take to get where I'm supposed to be. I do feel better unloading a bit and will follow this up with a few minutes of just relaxing. praying and making the effort to let go of these feelings and turn them over to God.
11/24/2008
Day ???...Typical Behavior!
Yes, you can say that I have a tendency to be all or nothing! I stopped writing this blog for one day over 7 months ago and have thought about it nearly every day...yet have done nothing. This is a great example of the pattern of my life. I go "all in" for a period of time be it working out, eating right, working, writing, etc...and then I take 1 day of and I'm gone. We'll I'm back.
With this pattern in my life, how in the hell have I stayed sober? I think I hit on the answer to that last night in re-reading "How it Works" in the Big Book. I need to stop trying to take control of outcomes and start taking my entire life one day at a time and apply the principles of the program in all of my affairs. This means turning my will and my life over to my Higher Power. For once this actually makes sense to me.
After reading last night and reflecting on the reading (not analyzing and trying to figure it out) it just seemed so easy...LET IT GO! This is exactly what I did to get sober. When I faced myself in that moment, I surrendered. In that moment the obsession to drink was lifted in such a way that it could have only been by something greater than me. I spent so much time thinking about not drinking, but could not beat the obsession until that moment.
My plan now is to use the program of AA not only to keep me sober, but to use the experience to build my life and my future. I don't know what it will look like, but I have decided that if i give myself and my will that I will be pleasantly surprised by the results. It's a leap of faith, but I have seen enough in the rooms to know that the future that the 12 steps hold for me is much better than the pain and loneliness that led me to this program.
So I have removed the pressure of writing everyday, I have decided to use this space as a place where I can express myself and share my journey without a hook. It is about reovery and living life as it comes. So I'm back...today.
With this pattern in my life, how in the hell have I stayed sober? I think I hit on the answer to that last night in re-reading "How it Works" in the Big Book. I need to stop trying to take control of outcomes and start taking my entire life one day at a time and apply the principles of the program in all of my affairs. This means turning my will and my life over to my Higher Power. For once this actually makes sense to me.
After reading last night and reflecting on the reading (not analyzing and trying to figure it out) it just seemed so easy...LET IT GO! This is exactly what I did to get sober. When I faced myself in that moment, I surrendered. In that moment the obsession to drink was lifted in such a way that it could have only been by something greater than me. I spent so much time thinking about not drinking, but could not beat the obsession until that moment.
My plan now is to use the program of AA not only to keep me sober, but to use the experience to build my life and my future. I don't know what it will look like, but I have decided that if i give myself and my will that I will be pleasantly surprised by the results. It's a leap of faith, but I have seen enough in the rooms to know that the future that the 12 steps hold for me is much better than the pain and loneliness that led me to this program.
So I have removed the pressure of writing everyday, I have decided to use this space as a place where I can express myself and share my journey without a hook. It is about reovery and living life as it comes. So I'm back...today.
4/09/2008
Day 26…Back in the City
April 8, 2008
Weight: ???
Distance: About 2 miles, 30 minutes
Location: NYC Streets
Today I flew to NYC for work and will bee here through Sunday for work…a busy week, but I’m excited about it. Being in NY and having a lot to do today, I decided to make my walk part of my errands…walking from Penn Station to my accountant to get my taxes, walking to the hotel and then walking to meet a colleague for dinner. All in all I think I racked up about 2 miles. With everything I have to do this week and all of the running around I have to do I think I’ll be racking up quite a few miles!
During my walk today I tried to soak in the sounds and just take it all in. I have not been to New York in nice weather since last spring. It is still my favorite place in the world to walk. So many people and things to see…I love the energy of it all. As I walked I thought about “practicing these principles in all of our affairs” and how that relates to my professional life.
I can understand the need for honesty in work and I feel that I have always been honest with my customers and my colleagues. Where I feel I really need to do a better job is with myself. I need to start holding myself to the standards that I expect from others. With my recent focus on my recovery and my inventory I must admit that I have been very distracted and have not poured as much of myself into my job as I would like. I have a great opportunity and I love the people I work with and want to contribute all that I can to the success of the company.
I need to practice the principals of honesty, integrity, compassion and also the passion for my work to build real, strong relationships with my co-workers as well as my customers. To do this I need to start extending myself and increasing the focus on my work. Hopefully as I gain more clarity and increase my ability to concentrate I will also start to make progress in reaching the potential that lies within me.
Weight: ???
Distance: About 2 miles, 30 minutes
Location: NYC Streets
Today I flew to NYC for work and will bee here through Sunday for work…a busy week, but I’m excited about it. Being in NY and having a lot to do today, I decided to make my walk part of my errands…walking from Penn Station to my accountant to get my taxes, walking to the hotel and then walking to meet a colleague for dinner. All in all I think I racked up about 2 miles. With everything I have to do this week and all of the running around I have to do I think I’ll be racking up quite a few miles!
During my walk today I tried to soak in the sounds and just take it all in. I have not been to New York in nice weather since last spring. It is still my favorite place in the world to walk. So many people and things to see…I love the energy of it all. As I walked I thought about “practicing these principles in all of our affairs” and how that relates to my professional life.
I can understand the need for honesty in work and I feel that I have always been honest with my customers and my colleagues. Where I feel I really need to do a better job is with myself. I need to start holding myself to the standards that I expect from others. With my recent focus on my recovery and my inventory I must admit that I have been very distracted and have not poured as much of myself into my job as I would like. I have a great opportunity and I love the people I work with and want to contribute all that I can to the success of the company.
I need to practice the principals of honesty, integrity, compassion and also the passion for my work to build real, strong relationships with my co-workers as well as my customers. To do this I need to start extending myself and increasing the focus on my work. Hopefully as I gain more clarity and increase my ability to concentrate I will also start to make progress in reaching the potential that lies within me.
Day 25…Off Day
April 7, 2008
Today got away from me…what can I say. I’m feeling pretty good and getting ready to head to NYC for the week. Too much to do!
Today got away from me…what can I say. I’m feeling pretty good and getting ready to head to NYC for the week. Too much to do!
4/06/2008
Day 24…Handle with care
April 6, 2008
Weight: 240
Walk: About 2 miles, 30’15”
Location: Home: Neighborhood (hill route)
Last night I was once again humbled by my alcoholism. I suppose that if I looked back at my last few posts I would probably see why, but I’m not going into the past. Thankfully I did not have a drink and for that I am grateful…I am also grateful to have a very understanding friend in my wife because she always ends up taking the brunt of my episodes of self-pity. I give her so much credit because she has learned not to give into my pity and holds her ground and the bounderies that we have agreed upon in our relationship right now. I still have some work to do on this.
So on my walk today this was definitely top of mind. The episode from last night was the same old story of jealosy, selfishness, depression and good old self pity. What I thought about as I walked was how I had gone from feeling so good to falling right back into self pity…I guess it was a lesson to demonstrate just how fragile my sobriety is. I guess I was riding high, feeling good and temporarily forgot the reason for all of this…turning over my will and letting go of control.
My thinking was that I have not had any cravings for alcohol, I have found that I do have a connection with my higher power and I’m good to go…I’ve finally got my alcoholism under control. WRONG! I must never forget that my alcoholism is a hefty foe and is always there just waiting for me to let me guard down. This is so important for me to remember. My higher power is always there for me, but I must be humble and allow God’s will to direct me in all my affairs, not only those that I decide I want him to.
The decision for me to turn over some of my will is just another example of half measures leading to no results, or the same old results. If I want to honestly and truly experience change in my life I need to make changes in my life…be it my drinking, eating, work or relationships I must change my approach and my actions to change the results. I also cannot expect or ask others to change…it must happen with me. Now I must decide if I really want it. I know that I don’t want to feel the way I did last night again or to keep putting this pressure on my wife because it is not fair to her. I must remember that feeling of dispare and pray to God to keep this memory fresh in my head and use it to motivate me to change. I will reap the rewards of better health, better relationships and real satisfaction and happiness.
Weight: 240
Walk: About 2 miles, 30’15”
Location: Home: Neighborhood (hill route)
Last night I was once again humbled by my alcoholism. I suppose that if I looked back at my last few posts I would probably see why, but I’m not going into the past. Thankfully I did not have a drink and for that I am grateful…I am also grateful to have a very understanding friend in my wife because she always ends up taking the brunt of my episodes of self-pity. I give her so much credit because she has learned not to give into my pity and holds her ground and the bounderies that we have agreed upon in our relationship right now. I still have some work to do on this.
So on my walk today this was definitely top of mind. The episode from last night was the same old story of jealosy, selfishness, depression and good old self pity. What I thought about as I walked was how I had gone from feeling so good to falling right back into self pity…I guess it was a lesson to demonstrate just how fragile my sobriety is. I guess I was riding high, feeling good and temporarily forgot the reason for all of this…turning over my will and letting go of control.
My thinking was that I have not had any cravings for alcohol, I have found that I do have a connection with my higher power and I’m good to go…I’ve finally got my alcoholism under control. WRONG! I must never forget that my alcoholism is a hefty foe and is always there just waiting for me to let me guard down. This is so important for me to remember. My higher power is always there for me, but I must be humble and allow God’s will to direct me in all my affairs, not only those that I decide I want him to.
The decision for me to turn over some of my will is just another example of half measures leading to no results, or the same old results. If I want to honestly and truly experience change in my life I need to make changes in my life…be it my drinking, eating, work or relationships I must change my approach and my actions to change the results. I also cannot expect or ask others to change…it must happen with me. Now I must decide if I really want it. I know that I don’t want to feel the way I did last night again or to keep putting this pressure on my wife because it is not fair to her. I must remember that feeling of dispare and pray to God to keep this memory fresh in my head and use it to motivate me to change. I will reap the rewards of better health, better relationships and real satisfaction and happiness.
4/05/2008
Day 23…Making Progress
April 5, 2008
Weight: 238
Walk: 2 miles, 30’05”
Location: Home: Treadmill
I decided to walk inside again today as the weather is still a bit grey and misty. I was very motivated to walk today because of how I felt after yesterday’s walk. I don’t know if it’s the exercise itself or the revelation of my denial that brought it on, but I felt so good that I wish I could have stayed that way forever. I guess the best thing to do is to keep on walking and continue to build my faith and understanding of myself.
During my walk today I tried a new exercise that I had read in one of my meditation books. The exercise is to ask “What is it?” as a mantra while meditating and resisting the need to answer. If questions and answers come you are to just acknowledge them and let them pass. I thought that this would be a very interesting technique to help develop greater curiosity and tried it during my middle 10 minutes today. I did find it difficult to not come up with answers because that is my instinctual behavior…to have an answer for everything. This need has included to find answers for my pain and suffering as well as that of the people around me (co-dependence anyone?)…usually the solutions that I came up with were temporary band-aids like drinking, shopping and other things that I thought would be pleasurable and create happiness. Sometimes it worked, but only temporarily. I am grateful to be aware of this now and realize that happiness cannot be bought or drunk.
Doing this practice made me feel really good about the progress I have made and I decided think about some of the positive things that have and are happening in my life. I do not have to drink, I am getting better at eating healthy (or at least in moderation), my relationships are getting healthier, and I am exercising every day and learning to get to know myself. I credit all of these positive changes to the AA program. I think that I have always known the right things to do, but I don’t think I cared enough about myself and the people around me to take any real action. Now as I start to better understand the way to truly be happy is by being of service to others (my family, friends, co-workers and fellow alcoholics) I am starting the practice the principals of AA in all areas of my life. I am just starting to see and feel the rewards and have great hope for tomorrow.
Weight: 238
Walk: 2 miles, 30’05”
Location: Home: Treadmill
I decided to walk inside again today as the weather is still a bit grey and misty. I was very motivated to walk today because of how I felt after yesterday’s walk. I don’t know if it’s the exercise itself or the revelation of my denial that brought it on, but I felt so good that I wish I could have stayed that way forever. I guess the best thing to do is to keep on walking and continue to build my faith and understanding of myself.
During my walk today I tried a new exercise that I had read in one of my meditation books. The exercise is to ask “What is it?” as a mantra while meditating and resisting the need to answer. If questions and answers come you are to just acknowledge them and let them pass. I thought that this would be a very interesting technique to help develop greater curiosity and tried it during my middle 10 minutes today. I did find it difficult to not come up with answers because that is my instinctual behavior…to have an answer for everything. This need has included to find answers for my pain and suffering as well as that of the people around me (co-dependence anyone?)…usually the solutions that I came up with were temporary band-aids like drinking, shopping and other things that I thought would be pleasurable and create happiness. Sometimes it worked, but only temporarily. I am grateful to be aware of this now and realize that happiness cannot be bought or drunk.
Doing this practice made me feel really good about the progress I have made and I decided think about some of the positive things that have and are happening in my life. I do not have to drink, I am getting better at eating healthy (or at least in moderation), my relationships are getting healthier, and I am exercising every day and learning to get to know myself. I credit all of these positive changes to the AA program. I think that I have always known the right things to do, but I don’t think I cared enough about myself and the people around me to take any real action. Now as I start to better understand the way to truly be happy is by being of service to others (my family, friends, co-workers and fellow alcoholics) I am starting the practice the principals of AA in all areas of my life. I am just starting to see and feel the rewards and have great hope for tomorrow.
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