Falling Back

I'm writing now because I feel like shit. I must say that I have not felt this way in a very long time and it is quite humbling. I had a good day running errands, going to a meeting, a workout and picking up my kids. Not sure if there was a trigger or what it was that set me off, but I'm off.

I'm feeling lonely, angry, resentful and depressed all at the same time. I'm a raging jealous, control craving lunatic. I can hear it in my voice and can feel it in my chest...this is the pain that I have been hearing about that can be so dangerous. The funny thing is that my jealousy is purely based on thoughts that I have completely created...and also have an agreement that in the separation of my marriage that we are free to date and establish other relationships if we choose. This is why I call myself a control-craving lunatic. It is all about me and what I feel like I need right now and to Hell with everyone and any anything that gets in my way. What a horrible and destructive way to live...and I DON'T WANT TO ANYMORE!!!

I know I need help and the help I need is available for me...it is in the name of a power greater than myself. This is something that I have battled with from day 1 in AA. I do believe I have faith in something...I did feel an awakening that moment it struck me that I needed to stop drinking...I have seen countless people in recovery who are free and happy and I know that I want to be released from me. It hit me the other night that I am definitely over thinking so much of this and the solution that I'm seeking is the simple ability to turn it over and put it in God's hands...not just some things, but everything.

The good news is that I don't even have a fleeting thought to have a drink. I can take solace in the fact that these moments in the past have been springboards for growth and I have hope that this is just part of the path that I need to take to get where I'm supposed to be. I do feel better unloading a bit and will follow this up with a few minutes of just relaxing. praying and making the effort to let go of these feelings and turn them over to God.