Day 23…Making Progress

April 5, 2008
Weight: 238
Walk: 2 miles, 30’05”
Location: Home: Treadmill

I decided to walk inside again today as the weather is still a bit grey and misty. I was very motivated to walk today because of how I felt after yesterday’s walk. I don’t know if it’s the exercise itself or the revelation of my denial that brought it on, but I felt so good that I wish I could have stayed that way forever. I guess the best thing to do is to keep on walking and continue to build my faith and understanding of myself.

During my walk today I tried a new exercise that I had read in one of my meditation books. The exercise is to ask “What is it?” as a mantra while meditating and resisting the need to answer. If questions and answers come you are to just acknowledge them and let them pass. I thought that this would be a very interesting technique to help develop greater curiosity and tried it during my middle 10 minutes today. I did find it difficult to not come up with answers because that is my instinctual behavior…to have an answer for everything. This need has included to find answers for my pain and suffering as well as that of the people around me (co-dependence anyone?)…usually the solutions that I came up with were temporary band-aids like drinking, shopping and other things that I thought would be pleasurable and create happiness. Sometimes it worked, but only temporarily. I am grateful to be aware of this now and realize that happiness cannot be bought or drunk.

Doing this practice made me feel really good about the progress I have made and I decided think about some of the positive things that have and are happening in my life. I do not have to drink, I am getting better at eating healthy (or at least in moderation), my relationships are getting healthier, and I am exercising every day and learning to get to know myself. I credit all of these positive changes to the AA program. I think that I have always known the right things to do, but I don’t think I cared enough about myself and the people around me to take any real action. Now as I start to better understand the way to truly be happy is by being of service to others (my family, friends, co-workers and fellow alcoholics) I am starting the practice the principals of AA in all areas of my life. I am just starting to see and feel the rewards and have great hope for tomorrow.