Day 24…Handle with care

April 6, 2008
Weight: 240
Walk: About 2 miles, 30’15”
Location: Home: Neighborhood (hill route)

Last night I was once again humbled by my alcoholism. I suppose that if I looked back at my last few posts I would probably see why, but I’m not going into the past. Thankfully I did not have a drink and for that I am grateful…I am also grateful to have a very understanding friend in my wife because she always ends up taking the brunt of my episodes of self-pity. I give her so much credit because she has learned not to give into my pity and holds her ground and the bounderies that we have agreed upon in our relationship right now. I still have some work to do on this.

So on my walk today this was definitely top of mind. The episode from last night was the same old story of jealosy, selfishness, depression and good old self pity. What I thought about as I walked was how I had gone from feeling so good to falling right back into self pity…I guess it was a lesson to demonstrate just how fragile my sobriety is. I guess I was riding high, feeling good and temporarily forgot the reason for all of this…turning over my will and letting go of control.

My thinking was that I have not had any cravings for alcohol, I have found that I do have a connection with my higher power and I’m good to go…I’ve finally got my alcoholism under control. WRONG! I must never forget that my alcoholism is a hefty foe and is always there just waiting for me to let me guard down. This is so important for me to remember. My higher power is always there for me, but I must be humble and allow God’s will to direct me in all my affairs, not only those that I decide I want him to.

The decision for me to turn over some of my will is just another example of half measures leading to no results, or the same old results. If I want to honestly and truly experience change in my life I need to make changes in my life…be it my drinking, eating, work or relationships I must change my approach and my actions to change the results. I also cannot expect or ask others to change…it must happen with me. Now I must decide if I really want it. I know that I don’t want to feel the way I did last night again or to keep putting this pressure on my wife because it is not fair to her. I must remember that feeling of dispare and pray to God to keep this memory fresh in my head and use it to motivate me to change. I will reap the rewards of better health, better relationships and real satisfaction and happiness.