April 8, 2008
Weight: ???
Distance: About 2 miles, 30 minutes
Location: NYC Streets
Today I flew to NYC for work and will bee here through Sunday for work…a busy week, but I’m excited about it. Being in NY and having a lot to do today, I decided to make my walk part of my errands…walking from Penn Station to my accountant to get my taxes, walking to the hotel and then walking to meet a colleague for dinner. All in all I think I racked up about 2 miles. With everything I have to do this week and all of the running around I have to do I think I’ll be racking up quite a few miles!
During my walk today I tried to soak in the sounds and just take it all in. I have not been to New York in nice weather since last spring. It is still my favorite place in the world to walk. So many people and things to see…I love the energy of it all. As I walked I thought about “practicing these principles in all of our affairs” and how that relates to my professional life.
I can understand the need for honesty in work and I feel that I have always been honest with my customers and my colleagues. Where I feel I really need to do a better job is with myself. I need to start holding myself to the standards that I expect from others. With my recent focus on my recovery and my inventory I must admit that I have been very distracted and have not poured as much of myself into my job as I would like. I have a great opportunity and I love the people I work with and want to contribute all that I can to the success of the company.
I need to practice the principals of honesty, integrity, compassion and also the passion for my work to build real, strong relationships with my co-workers as well as my customers. To do this I need to start extending myself and increasing the focus on my work. Hopefully as I gain more clarity and increase my ability to concentrate I will also start to make progress in reaching the potential that lies within me.
4/09/2008
Day 25…Off Day
April 7, 2008
Today got away from me…what can I say. I’m feeling pretty good and getting ready to head to NYC for the week. Too much to do!
Today got away from me…what can I say. I’m feeling pretty good and getting ready to head to NYC for the week. Too much to do!
4/06/2008
Day 24…Handle with care
April 6, 2008
Weight: 240
Walk: About 2 miles, 30’15”
Location: Home: Neighborhood (hill route)
Last night I was once again humbled by my alcoholism. I suppose that if I looked back at my last few posts I would probably see why, but I’m not going into the past. Thankfully I did not have a drink and for that I am grateful…I am also grateful to have a very understanding friend in my wife because she always ends up taking the brunt of my episodes of self-pity. I give her so much credit because she has learned not to give into my pity and holds her ground and the bounderies that we have agreed upon in our relationship right now. I still have some work to do on this.
So on my walk today this was definitely top of mind. The episode from last night was the same old story of jealosy, selfishness, depression and good old self pity. What I thought about as I walked was how I had gone from feeling so good to falling right back into self pity…I guess it was a lesson to demonstrate just how fragile my sobriety is. I guess I was riding high, feeling good and temporarily forgot the reason for all of this…turning over my will and letting go of control.
My thinking was that I have not had any cravings for alcohol, I have found that I do have a connection with my higher power and I’m good to go…I’ve finally got my alcoholism under control. WRONG! I must never forget that my alcoholism is a hefty foe and is always there just waiting for me to let me guard down. This is so important for me to remember. My higher power is always there for me, but I must be humble and allow God’s will to direct me in all my affairs, not only those that I decide I want him to.
The decision for me to turn over some of my will is just another example of half measures leading to no results, or the same old results. If I want to honestly and truly experience change in my life I need to make changes in my life…be it my drinking, eating, work or relationships I must change my approach and my actions to change the results. I also cannot expect or ask others to change…it must happen with me. Now I must decide if I really want it. I know that I don’t want to feel the way I did last night again or to keep putting this pressure on my wife because it is not fair to her. I must remember that feeling of dispare and pray to God to keep this memory fresh in my head and use it to motivate me to change. I will reap the rewards of better health, better relationships and real satisfaction and happiness.
Weight: 240
Walk: About 2 miles, 30’15”
Location: Home: Neighborhood (hill route)
Last night I was once again humbled by my alcoholism. I suppose that if I looked back at my last few posts I would probably see why, but I’m not going into the past. Thankfully I did not have a drink and for that I am grateful…I am also grateful to have a very understanding friend in my wife because she always ends up taking the brunt of my episodes of self-pity. I give her so much credit because she has learned not to give into my pity and holds her ground and the bounderies that we have agreed upon in our relationship right now. I still have some work to do on this.
So on my walk today this was definitely top of mind. The episode from last night was the same old story of jealosy, selfishness, depression and good old self pity. What I thought about as I walked was how I had gone from feeling so good to falling right back into self pity…I guess it was a lesson to demonstrate just how fragile my sobriety is. I guess I was riding high, feeling good and temporarily forgot the reason for all of this…turning over my will and letting go of control.
My thinking was that I have not had any cravings for alcohol, I have found that I do have a connection with my higher power and I’m good to go…I’ve finally got my alcoholism under control. WRONG! I must never forget that my alcoholism is a hefty foe and is always there just waiting for me to let me guard down. This is so important for me to remember. My higher power is always there for me, but I must be humble and allow God’s will to direct me in all my affairs, not only those that I decide I want him to.
The decision for me to turn over some of my will is just another example of half measures leading to no results, or the same old results. If I want to honestly and truly experience change in my life I need to make changes in my life…be it my drinking, eating, work or relationships I must change my approach and my actions to change the results. I also cannot expect or ask others to change…it must happen with me. Now I must decide if I really want it. I know that I don’t want to feel the way I did last night again or to keep putting this pressure on my wife because it is not fair to her. I must remember that feeling of dispare and pray to God to keep this memory fresh in my head and use it to motivate me to change. I will reap the rewards of better health, better relationships and real satisfaction and happiness.
4/05/2008
Day 23…Making Progress
April 5, 2008
Weight: 238
Walk: 2 miles, 30’05”
Location: Home: Treadmill
I decided to walk inside again today as the weather is still a bit grey and misty. I was very motivated to walk today because of how I felt after yesterday’s walk. I don’t know if it’s the exercise itself or the revelation of my denial that brought it on, but I felt so good that I wish I could have stayed that way forever. I guess the best thing to do is to keep on walking and continue to build my faith and understanding of myself.
During my walk today I tried a new exercise that I had read in one of my meditation books. The exercise is to ask “What is it?” as a mantra while meditating and resisting the need to answer. If questions and answers come you are to just acknowledge them and let them pass. I thought that this would be a very interesting technique to help develop greater curiosity and tried it during my middle 10 minutes today. I did find it difficult to not come up with answers because that is my instinctual behavior…to have an answer for everything. This need has included to find answers for my pain and suffering as well as that of the people around me (co-dependence anyone?)…usually the solutions that I came up with were temporary band-aids like drinking, shopping and other things that I thought would be pleasurable and create happiness. Sometimes it worked, but only temporarily. I am grateful to be aware of this now and realize that happiness cannot be bought or drunk.
Doing this practice made me feel really good about the progress I have made and I decided think about some of the positive things that have and are happening in my life. I do not have to drink, I am getting better at eating healthy (or at least in moderation), my relationships are getting healthier, and I am exercising every day and learning to get to know myself. I credit all of these positive changes to the AA program. I think that I have always known the right things to do, but I don’t think I cared enough about myself and the people around me to take any real action. Now as I start to better understand the way to truly be happy is by being of service to others (my family, friends, co-workers and fellow alcoholics) I am starting the practice the principals of AA in all areas of my life. I am just starting to see and feel the rewards and have great hope for tomorrow.
Weight: 238
Walk: 2 miles, 30’05”
Location: Home: Treadmill
I decided to walk inside again today as the weather is still a bit grey and misty. I was very motivated to walk today because of how I felt after yesterday’s walk. I don’t know if it’s the exercise itself or the revelation of my denial that brought it on, but I felt so good that I wish I could have stayed that way forever. I guess the best thing to do is to keep on walking and continue to build my faith and understanding of myself.
During my walk today I tried a new exercise that I had read in one of my meditation books. The exercise is to ask “What is it?” as a mantra while meditating and resisting the need to answer. If questions and answers come you are to just acknowledge them and let them pass. I thought that this would be a very interesting technique to help develop greater curiosity and tried it during my middle 10 minutes today. I did find it difficult to not come up with answers because that is my instinctual behavior…to have an answer for everything. This need has included to find answers for my pain and suffering as well as that of the people around me (co-dependence anyone?)…usually the solutions that I came up with were temporary band-aids like drinking, shopping and other things that I thought would be pleasurable and create happiness. Sometimes it worked, but only temporarily. I am grateful to be aware of this now and realize that happiness cannot be bought or drunk.
Doing this practice made me feel really good about the progress I have made and I decided think about some of the positive things that have and are happening in my life. I do not have to drink, I am getting better at eating healthy (or at least in moderation), my relationships are getting healthier, and I am exercising every day and learning to get to know myself. I credit all of these positive changes to the AA program. I think that I have always known the right things to do, but I don’t think I cared enough about myself and the people around me to take any real action. Now as I start to better understand the way to truly be happy is by being of service to others (my family, friends, co-workers and fellow alcoholics) I am starting the practice the principals of AA in all areas of my life. I am just starting to see and feel the rewards and have great hope for tomorrow.
4/04/2008
Day 22…Good old denial!
April 4, 2008
Weight: 236
Walk: 2 miles, 30’15”
Location: Home: Treadmill
Today it is raining and dreary so I was stuck inside. I had a really hard time getting motivated today and ended up taking a nap this morning until I went to the noon meeting. I still can’t seem to get my energy level up and it has been very frustrating. I know that if I just get moving it will come, but that initial push has eluded me thus far. I was actually going to take a nap this afternoon again, but then I realized that if I’m going to waste time napping, I’m better off walking…and I’m glad I did.
I have been thinking quite a bit about my higher power and what it is and how I will know it’s there and all of the implications of turning my life and my will over. A few things I heard at meetings last night and today gave me quite a bit to think about during my walk and I was re-acquainted with my old friend denial.
Last night I was speaking with someone after the meeting about changing habits and creating new instincts rather repeating our old alcoholic thoughts and actions. What he said really struck me…he said that we have to remember that WE CANNOT remove our defects because they are a part of us. Only God can do this. That was interesting, but created more havoc for me because I have been asking God and don’t know if I’m doing it right and following the steps properly. When I explained this he told me that he was once told that WE don not take the steps, but rather the steps take us. Thought this sounded good, but didn’t really understand it until my walk.
At the meeting today we talked about wanting MORE. This is a common attribute among many alcoholics…more beer, food, sleep, pity, time…we can never have enough of anything it seems. Boy can I relate to this.
Recently this can be seen in my quest to establish contact with God. I have been so obsessive about reading books on spirituality, buddhism, the Big Book, the 12 & 12, etc. and spending so much of my valuable time meditating that I have been ignoring a simple fact…my spiritual awakening has already happened and I have a relationship with God that is stronger than ever before. The moment it struck me that I must stop drinking a huge weight was lifted off of my shoulders and I can honestly say that I have not had the urge to drink since that very moment. Thinking about the obsession I had with drinking prior to that moment I must stop denying that this was a miracle and the work of God.
This denial has been an obstruction to really reaping the rewards of step 6-9. Now that I can see that I have been denying myself the relationship that I already have I feel like steps 6 and 7 have now taken me and it feels great. I need to put a bit more thought into step 8 and then 9 will take me a while because so many people are far away from me, but as I chip away at my amends I have also realized that I must now start to be more open to folks in AA and offer myself to newcomers and to start “giving it away” so that as I work with others I can also gain a deeper understanding and appreciation of this program and myself.
Weight: 236
Walk: 2 miles, 30’15”
Location: Home: Treadmill
Today it is raining and dreary so I was stuck inside. I had a really hard time getting motivated today and ended up taking a nap this morning until I went to the noon meeting. I still can’t seem to get my energy level up and it has been very frustrating. I know that if I just get moving it will come, but that initial push has eluded me thus far. I was actually going to take a nap this afternoon again, but then I realized that if I’m going to waste time napping, I’m better off walking…and I’m glad I did.
I have been thinking quite a bit about my higher power and what it is and how I will know it’s there and all of the implications of turning my life and my will over. A few things I heard at meetings last night and today gave me quite a bit to think about during my walk and I was re-acquainted with my old friend denial.
Last night I was speaking with someone after the meeting about changing habits and creating new instincts rather repeating our old alcoholic thoughts and actions. What he said really struck me…he said that we have to remember that WE CANNOT remove our defects because they are a part of us. Only God can do this. That was interesting, but created more havoc for me because I have been asking God and don’t know if I’m doing it right and following the steps properly. When I explained this he told me that he was once told that WE don not take the steps, but rather the steps take us. Thought this sounded good, but didn’t really understand it until my walk.
At the meeting today we talked about wanting MORE. This is a common attribute among many alcoholics…more beer, food, sleep, pity, time…we can never have enough of anything it seems. Boy can I relate to this.
Recently this can be seen in my quest to establish contact with God. I have been so obsessive about reading books on spirituality, buddhism, the Big Book, the 12 & 12, etc. and spending so much of my valuable time meditating that I have been ignoring a simple fact…my spiritual awakening has already happened and I have a relationship with God that is stronger than ever before. The moment it struck me that I must stop drinking a huge weight was lifted off of my shoulders and I can honestly say that I have not had the urge to drink since that very moment. Thinking about the obsession I had with drinking prior to that moment I must stop denying that this was a miracle and the work of God.
This denial has been an obstruction to really reaping the rewards of step 6-9. Now that I can see that I have been denying myself the relationship that I already have I feel like steps 6 and 7 have now taken me and it feels great. I need to put a bit more thought into step 8 and then 9 will take me a while because so many people are far away from me, but as I chip away at my amends I have also realized that I must now start to be more open to folks in AA and offer myself to newcomers and to start “giving it away” so that as I work with others I can also gain a deeper understanding and appreciation of this program and myself.
4/03/2008
Day 21…Good Morning!
April 3, 2008
Weight: 237
Walk: 2 miles, 30’50”
Location: Home: Treadmill
Well, I finally got out of bed today early! This has been a struggle for me as long as I can remember and it feels good to break the habit of sleeping late (at least for today). It comes down to a matter of motivation. I KNOW that when I get up and get moving I have a much better day…I feel more energetic and feel better about myself. With the challenges I have had lately my biggest issues are energy and self confidence so it only makes sense to take an action that will help me in these areas. It just continues to amaze me how habits can control us even when we know that they are hindering development and growth.
After hanging out with the kids and making breakfast I walked for 2 miles on the treadmill. I spent this time thinking about a number of things…first is my friend who told me that his son tried to kill himself over the weekend. I cannot imagine anything worse for a parent than to know that your child is in that much pain. He and I have spoken about it and talked a bit about depression and the issues that we both have/are facing with it. Depression is such an awful disease and so often ignored. As difficult as the situation is for him, all I can do is offer support and help him to see that they have an opportunity now as a family to help each other and try to heel. It is awful that it has to start from a situation like this, but as I am learning, it often takes great amounts of pain to foster growth.
This led me to think about my situation and to try an place some perspective on where I am in my recovery and to really think about what “One day at a time” really means. After going thorough my defects and discussing step 6 at the noon meeting yesterday I have realized that I can’t just wish these defects away, but have to learn to accept them as a part of me, be compassionate to myself and others and develop new habits and actions to create a life that will allow me to work towards my potential. I must be patient in this process and that’s where “One day at a time” comes in.
I have often heard that either you are moving forward or backwards. Recently I have felt stuck trying to take in and “work” steps 45, 6 & 7. I now realize that work means action and with the start to my day today I feel like I’m moving forward.
Weight: 237
Walk: 2 miles, 30’50”
Location: Home: Treadmill
Well, I finally got out of bed today early! This has been a struggle for me as long as I can remember and it feels good to break the habit of sleeping late (at least for today). It comes down to a matter of motivation. I KNOW that when I get up and get moving I have a much better day…I feel more energetic and feel better about myself. With the challenges I have had lately my biggest issues are energy and self confidence so it only makes sense to take an action that will help me in these areas. It just continues to amaze me how habits can control us even when we know that they are hindering development and growth.
After hanging out with the kids and making breakfast I walked for 2 miles on the treadmill. I spent this time thinking about a number of things…first is my friend who told me that his son tried to kill himself over the weekend. I cannot imagine anything worse for a parent than to know that your child is in that much pain. He and I have spoken about it and talked a bit about depression and the issues that we both have/are facing with it. Depression is such an awful disease and so often ignored. As difficult as the situation is for him, all I can do is offer support and help him to see that they have an opportunity now as a family to help each other and try to heel. It is awful that it has to start from a situation like this, but as I am learning, it often takes great amounts of pain to foster growth.
This led me to think about my situation and to try an place some perspective on where I am in my recovery and to really think about what “One day at a time” really means. After going thorough my defects and discussing step 6 at the noon meeting yesterday I have realized that I can’t just wish these defects away, but have to learn to accept them as a part of me, be compassionate to myself and others and develop new habits and actions to create a life that will allow me to work towards my potential. I must be patient in this process and that’s where “One day at a time” comes in.
I have often heard that either you are moving forward or backwards. Recently I have felt stuck trying to take in and “work” steps 45, 6 & 7. I now realize that work means action and with the start to my day today I feel like I’m moving forward.
4/02/2008
Day 20…Off my chest
April 2, 2008
Weight: 238
Walk: About 1 mile, 20’00”
Location: Home: Neighborhood
I again built my walk today into dropping the kids off at school, but cut it short because the wind made it quite cold even though the sun was out. It was nice to feel the wind in a way because it smells so clean when it has a bit of a chill in it.
I am feeling better today because I had an appointment with my therapist yesterday and explained that I wasn’t feeling like I had really completed my 5th step and that my sponsor had kind of skimmed it. He suggested I speak to my sponsor about it and I did. I ended up calling my sponsor and actually going to see him last night and talking to him about how I was feeling and we went over my inventory more thoroughly. I think he was concerned that I would try to take on all of my defects at once and that was the reason for focusing on just a few items in our earlier meeting. I can see the reasoning in that because I do have a tendency to take on everything at once and overwhelm myself (and then getting nothing done), but I really felt that even though I can’t tackle all of these things at once I did need to get it all out.
So during my walk I thought about acceptance of my defects. In order to move on and start to better myself I first must accept that I have an inflated ego and have been a selfish, resentful, jealous, procrastinating, obsessive person and it has effected how I see myself and also how I relate to others. I feel that doing steps 4 & 5 have helped me to clearly define some of my defects and also patterns that I have had in my life. Some of these patterns and behaviors are learned and are based on survival skills (as my therapist has pointed out), but that doesn’t mean I have to settle for them. I have the ability to reach the potential that I know is within me and the ability to stop settling for getting by. I have felt this way for a long time, but I think that I really needed to go through this process to truly accept where I am and am hopeful that it will now allow me to create a path to growth, improvement and starting to tap into the potential that is within me to allow me to heel myself so that I will be able to make myself available to help others.
This is not an easy task, but it is time for me to stop looking for easy solutions and to work for what I want.
Weight: 238
Walk: About 1 mile, 20’00”
Location: Home: Neighborhood
I again built my walk today into dropping the kids off at school, but cut it short because the wind made it quite cold even though the sun was out. It was nice to feel the wind in a way because it smells so clean when it has a bit of a chill in it.
I am feeling better today because I had an appointment with my therapist yesterday and explained that I wasn’t feeling like I had really completed my 5th step and that my sponsor had kind of skimmed it. He suggested I speak to my sponsor about it and I did. I ended up calling my sponsor and actually going to see him last night and talking to him about how I was feeling and we went over my inventory more thoroughly. I think he was concerned that I would try to take on all of my defects at once and that was the reason for focusing on just a few items in our earlier meeting. I can see the reasoning in that because I do have a tendency to take on everything at once and overwhelm myself (and then getting nothing done), but I really felt that even though I can’t tackle all of these things at once I did need to get it all out.
So during my walk I thought about acceptance of my defects. In order to move on and start to better myself I first must accept that I have an inflated ego and have been a selfish, resentful, jealous, procrastinating, obsessive person and it has effected how I see myself and also how I relate to others. I feel that doing steps 4 & 5 have helped me to clearly define some of my defects and also patterns that I have had in my life. Some of these patterns and behaviors are learned and are based on survival skills (as my therapist has pointed out), but that doesn’t mean I have to settle for them. I have the ability to reach the potential that I know is within me and the ability to stop settling for getting by. I have felt this way for a long time, but I think that I really needed to go through this process to truly accept where I am and am hopeful that it will now allow me to create a path to growth, improvement and starting to tap into the potential that is within me to allow me to heel myself so that I will be able to make myself available to help others.
This is not an easy task, but it is time for me to stop looking for easy solutions and to work for what I want.
4/01/2008
Day 19...Work in progress
April 1, 2008
Weight: 240
Walk: About 1.5 miles, 30’00”
Location: Home: Neighborhood
I tied today’s walk into some errands…first I walked the kids to school and then continued on to my dentist appointment. It is finally a warm enough day to really enjoy being outdoors, but quite windy. I guess I’m just happy being outside without freezing.
I went through my inventory with my sponsor yesterday and it really wasn’t what I expected. He seemed to skim over it and only wanted me to focus on what I thought were my major defects. I see them as jealousy, oversensitivity and obsessing over things. We discussed these in a bit more detail, but I still feel like I need to get more out to another person to really complete this step. I have an appointment with my therapist tonight and will discuss it with him.
On my walk I was really enjoying the weather, but was preoccupied with the exchange I had with my wife before I left home with the kids. We had a stupid argument about directions to the post office and of course I then leave ticked off. Yes, a perfect example of my oversensitivity. Rather than understand that she just woke up and is cranky (as she is in the morning), I leave ticked off and feeling like she thinks I’m stupid and hates me. Yes, I still have quite a bit of work to do!
So as I walked I thought about this and also the practice of recognizing the feeling, accepting it (and how irrational it is) and tried to let it go. I was fairly successful, but old habits are hard to break. I think that I really need to make time each morning and start to meditate to help me better identify these feelings and process them properly. I’m reading a book about using meditation to deal with fear and anxiety and I think that it makes a lot of sense. But it also says in the book that you must go beyond reading about it and actually put it into practice to reap the rewards…this can be said for so many things!
So I need a plan and I need to stick to that plan. It is just so hard to get out of bed sometimes. I’m trying not to put too much pressure on myself to take on too much, but I want to feel better so badly that I get impatient and stressed out and do nothing instead of something. I know what I should do, but I’m having a really hard time getting the motivation to do it. I guess I’ll just focus on what I can do right now and take it from there.
Weight: 240
Walk: About 1.5 miles, 30’00”
Location: Home: Neighborhood
I tied today’s walk into some errands…first I walked the kids to school and then continued on to my dentist appointment. It is finally a warm enough day to really enjoy being outdoors, but quite windy. I guess I’m just happy being outside without freezing.
I went through my inventory with my sponsor yesterday and it really wasn’t what I expected. He seemed to skim over it and only wanted me to focus on what I thought were my major defects. I see them as jealousy, oversensitivity and obsessing over things. We discussed these in a bit more detail, but I still feel like I need to get more out to another person to really complete this step. I have an appointment with my therapist tonight and will discuss it with him.
On my walk I was really enjoying the weather, but was preoccupied with the exchange I had with my wife before I left home with the kids. We had a stupid argument about directions to the post office and of course I then leave ticked off. Yes, a perfect example of my oversensitivity. Rather than understand that she just woke up and is cranky (as she is in the morning), I leave ticked off and feeling like she thinks I’m stupid and hates me. Yes, I still have quite a bit of work to do!
So as I walked I thought about this and also the practice of recognizing the feeling, accepting it (and how irrational it is) and tried to let it go. I was fairly successful, but old habits are hard to break. I think that I really need to make time each morning and start to meditate to help me better identify these feelings and process them properly. I’m reading a book about using meditation to deal with fear and anxiety and I think that it makes a lot of sense. But it also says in the book that you must go beyond reading about it and actually put it into practice to reap the rewards…this can be said for so many things!
So I need a plan and I need to stick to that plan. It is just so hard to get out of bed sometimes. I’m trying not to put too much pressure on myself to take on too much, but I want to feel better so badly that I get impatient and stressed out and do nothing instead of something. I know what I should do, but I’m having a really hard time getting the motivation to do it. I guess I’ll just focus on what I can do right now and take it from there.
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