April 4, 2008
Weight: 236
Walk: 2 miles, 30’15”
Location: Home: Treadmill
Today it is raining and dreary so I was stuck inside. I had a really hard time getting motivated today and ended up taking a nap this morning until I went to the noon meeting. I still can’t seem to get my energy level up and it has been very frustrating. I know that if I just get moving it will come, but that initial push has eluded me thus far. I was actually going to take a nap this afternoon again, but then I realized that if I’m going to waste time napping, I’m better off walking…and I’m glad I did.
I have been thinking quite a bit about my higher power and what it is and how I will know it’s there and all of the implications of turning my life and my will over. A few things I heard at meetings last night and today gave me quite a bit to think about during my walk and I was re-acquainted with my old friend denial.
Last night I was speaking with someone after the meeting about changing habits and creating new instincts rather repeating our old alcoholic thoughts and actions. What he said really struck me…he said that we have to remember that WE CANNOT remove our defects because they are a part of us. Only God can do this. That was interesting, but created more havoc for me because I have been asking God and don’t know if I’m doing it right and following the steps properly. When I explained this he told me that he was once told that WE don not take the steps, but rather the steps take us. Thought this sounded good, but didn’t really understand it until my walk.
At the meeting today we talked about wanting MORE. This is a common attribute among many alcoholics…more beer, food, sleep, pity, time…we can never have enough of anything it seems. Boy can I relate to this.
Recently this can be seen in my quest to establish contact with God. I have been so obsessive about reading books on spirituality, buddhism, the Big Book, the 12 & 12, etc. and spending so much of my valuable time meditating that I have been ignoring a simple fact…my spiritual awakening has already happened and I have a relationship with God that is stronger than ever before. The moment it struck me that I must stop drinking a huge weight was lifted off of my shoulders and I can honestly say that I have not had the urge to drink since that very moment. Thinking about the obsession I had with drinking prior to that moment I must stop denying that this was a miracle and the work of God.
This denial has been an obstruction to really reaping the rewards of step 6-9. Now that I can see that I have been denying myself the relationship that I already have I feel like steps 6 and 7 have now taken me and it feels great. I need to put a bit more thought into step 8 and then 9 will take me a while because so many people are far away from me, but as I chip away at my amends I have also realized that I must now start to be more open to folks in AA and offer myself to newcomers and to start “giving it away” so that as I work with others I can also gain a deeper understanding and appreciation of this program and myself.
No comments:
Post a Comment