Day 19...Work in progress

April 1, 2008
Weight: 240
Walk: About 1.5 miles, 30’00”
Location: Home: Neighborhood

I tied today’s walk into some errands…first I walked the kids to school and then continued on to my dentist appointment. It is finally a warm enough day to really enjoy being outdoors, but quite windy. I guess I’m just happy being outside without freezing.

I went through my inventory with my sponsor yesterday and it really wasn’t what I expected. He seemed to skim over it and only wanted me to focus on what I thought were my major defects. I see them as jealousy, oversensitivity and obsessing over things. We discussed these in a bit more detail, but I still feel like I need to get more out to another person to really complete this step. I have an appointment with my therapist tonight and will discuss it with him.

On my walk I was really enjoying the weather, but was preoccupied with the exchange I had with my wife before I left home with the kids. We had a stupid argument about directions to the post office and of course I then leave ticked off. Yes, a perfect example of my oversensitivity. Rather than understand that she just woke up and is cranky (as she is in the morning), I leave ticked off and feeling like she thinks I’m stupid and hates me. Yes, I still have quite a bit of work to do!

So as I walked I thought about this and also the practice of recognizing the feeling, accepting it (and how irrational it is) and tried to let it go. I was fairly successful, but old habits are hard to break. I think that I really need to make time each morning and start to meditate to help me better identify these feelings and process them properly. I’m reading a book about using meditation to deal with fear and anxiety and I think that it makes a lot of sense. But it also says in the book that you must go beyond reading about it and actually put it into practice to reap the rewards…this can be said for so many things!

So I need a plan and I need to stick to that plan. It is just so hard to get out of bed sometimes. I’m trying not to put too much pressure on myself to take on too much, but I want to feel better so badly that I get impatient and stressed out and do nothing instead of something. I know what I should do, but I’m having a really hard time getting the motivation to do it. I guess I’ll just focus on what I can do right now and take it from there.