Day 18...Easy as 1,2,3

March 31, 2008
Weight: 241
Walk: 2 Miles, 33’00”
Location: Home: Treadmill

Back indoors today due to rain…yes, another dreary day outside. I made a date with my sponsor for this afternoon to review my inventory (interesting because my horoscope says I will have an emotional encounter that will prove beneficial in the end). I don’t want to project, but I am really hopeful that cleaning house will help me to get over the resentments that still are haunting me. Again last night and this morning I was feeling resentment for my wife because I woke up late night and heard her speaking with a friend of hers who I have been very jealous of…they are only friends, and spoke of nothing but their work and I was still feeling resentful. I guess that is what this disease does to us…makes mountains out of molehills and keeps the focus on ME and MY NEEDS.

Because of this feeling I am really glad that I’m meeting to discuss my inventory. I really feel ready and know that if I continue to put it off it will just consume me (obsessive thinking). So because of this I focused my walk on reviewing the first 3 steps to make sure that I am ready to move forward.

I started with step 1 and went back to my childhood and especially my first drunk. In the woods with my brother, Wild Turkey and bottled screwdriver. I threw up in his girlfriend’s car and my father had to carry me into the house and give me a bath. Quite a first go! I also thought about how self-conscious I was when I was young. I was always one of the fat kids and even though I played sports and was very active…I was still fat and it always stood in the way of me reaching my potential. Recognizing this is important for me because I often like to think that my drinking and my depression has been caused by my adult life (work, marriage, kids), but in fact I can remember times feeling so alone when I was young that I would sit in my room and cry much like I have done in recent years. 1 year ago I finally realized that I couldn’t do it anymore. I didn’t know I was an alcoholic, but I knew that drinking was interfering with my life…drinking to handle anxiety, not being able to focus on work, getting drunk and showing up for work late and hung over, lashing out at my wife and kids. I didn’t know how to explain it until I went to my first meeting and read step 1…there it was. My life had become unmanageable and I was powerless over alcohol. It was amazing. From that moment on I knew I was in the right place and that I was on to something. I still thought that I could do it my way, but there was something to AA.

Steps 2 & 3 have been much more difficult for me to come to terms with. I have always tried to be a self-sufficient as possible, not relying on anyone for help and keeping problems to myself. What’s interesting is that my therapist pointed out to me that it makes sense that my wife and I connected because when we met I needed to be taken care of and she was conditioned to take care of people by her upbringing. This was interesting because I thought I was the one doing the taking care of and now that I look back, I wasn’t. I needed her to act just so and needed her to coddle me and take care of only me. This was caused by my parents lack of attention to me as a young person because they were focused on their business. It sounds kind of like psycho-babble, but it makes sense to me. This need to internalize made step 2 difficult, but after enough emotional pain I have realized that I must try something else because my way may be keeping me sober (for now), but I’m not healing emotionally.

The issue with step 3 is my lack of trust. I have a hard time trusting anyone and anything beside myself. That being said, I have always believed that there is something that guides us in life and that things “happen for a reason”. Some guiding force has led me to some wonderful places, experiences and people in my life so I do believe there is something...I mean I read horiscopes! I guess just not know exactly what “it” is has me hung up a bit. The Big Book says that we only need to believe in a power greater than ourself. Though I don’t know exactly what this power is, I can see that I am on the right path to build a closer relationship with it and gain understanding as time goes on. I must be patient in this and accept that there is something and it and the path it wants for me will unfold when I’m ready. For now, I’m ready to take the next step.