Day 11...Priorities and Perspective

March 4, 2008
Weight: 240
Walk: About 2.00 miles, 34’30”
Location: Home - Treadmill

Today started like too many days. I went to bed with the intention of getting up early and starting the day right and ended up on the couch with my kids until 8:30. It’s easy to say its quality time with my kids, but really it’s just a selfish excuse to get more sleep that I don’t need. The fact is I’m still depressed and have not had proper priorities and perspective with my life. This came to me as I sat in church yesterday on Easter and also as I sat in a meeting at noon today. During the meeting I brought up the topic of step 3…turning my will and my life over to a higher power and a few of the comments that were shared really hit me and I decided to focus on these during my walk.

I am cramped for time today (because I didn’t get my day off to a good start), so I decided to walk on the treadmill to get my walk in before going to my son’s basketball game. I reflected on the lack of perspective that I have had. I have been spending so much of my time obsessing about my marriage and what will happen. I keep thinking that I must figure this out and express myself just the right way in order to make things work out. The fact is that the way that I have been obsessing and the way I finally expressed myself to my wife on Saturday evening has only done one thing, but a very important thing…it has proven to me that I am still battling the insanity of alcoholism and cannot manage my thoughts and my life. I am in not position to make any decisions, to be in a healthy relationship and to take care of myself because I have not made my recovery THE priority in my life. I read quite a bit and go to meetings when I can, but it is always secondary to something else and for this reason I am still suffering and obsessing.

In the meeting today one man spoke of how his life was before truly letting it all go to God and the words he used (confusion, despair, hopelessness) were like he was painting a picture of my emotional state. A second man made a comment to another woman who had shared about how much her life had changed and how good things were, though she expressed some regret that she didn’t go to meetings very often…he stopped, looked at her and said “why not make this your meeting? Why not make this you primary purpose?” These words hit me like a ton of bricks. What is my primary purpose? It sure as hell has not been AA or I would have been to meetings in Florida and called my sponsor during the week and I surly would not be obsessing over my relationship with my wife and saying things to here to make her feel bad.

It is time for me to put my recovery first. There is no choice. I must finally take fearless action and make AA a priority…I need to face my insanity and my disease once and for all.