March 14, 2008
Weight: 244
Walk: 3 mile loop, 45’48”
Today, I went for a walk. This would probably be a better suited title for someone who has actually read Thoreau, but here goes anyway…I’m not Forrest Gump or some kind of guru or health nut, I’m a depressed alcoholic looking for a way to get through today. I have been in recovery for just over a year, but still battle depression and have come to determine that I from the support I have gotten and the reading I have done that I know that I don’t have to live with this suffering, but that I have chosen to. I have started to pray (and it helps), go to support groups and read all kinds of self help books and all of it has brought me the conclusion that, yes, I am a depressed, co-dependent, overweight, debt-ridden, alcoholic who’s life is completely unmanageable. So there it is, that’s me. Over the years I have come up with all sorts of solutions to my problems and they have all led me to more problems. The fact is that I have never taken the time to actually get to know who I am. I have been afraid to really look at myself and also let others look at me as I really am. This is my shot at doing it.
Why the walk? Well, I have been reading a book on “Letting Go” which discusses Buddhist thinking and breaking the pattern of bad habit and find new, healthy habits to replace them. By walking I can do something that is healthy for my body, mind and soul. Normally I would strap on my mp3 and try to distract myself from myself, but today I decided to actually follow my breathing, my thoughts and pay attention to my surroundings. It was actually pretty cool.
Today’s walk was the normal 3 mile loop that goes through the neighborhood. It’s pretty hilly and a great workout. After completing the first walk I feel great! I really tried to focus on letting thoughts come to me and experiencing them (feels strange for me to write that) and when in doubt pay attention to my breathing. There was a little bit of cold drizzle, but it was actually refreshing as it didn’t start until mile 2. It seems that the weather may be starting to turn…I sure hope so because the treadmill does not have a very exciting view. At the end of my walk I thought that it may be a good idea to blog about this journey. First, think that it will motivate me to walk and to write and I know that both are good for me and help me to feel better and express myself rather than keeping things inside like a volcano waiting to erupt. Second, I have learned that inspiration and hope come in many ways and I can hope that somebody may stumble upon this someday and it will provide them with the sense of hope that I feel right now.
I’m very excited about this journey because I feel like I’ve hit on a path to freedom from my suffering, at least I have hope and what more can we really ask for. I have always had a feeling that I just might be a very interesting person if I allowed myself to be me…and you never know, I might end up liking me and maybe you will too.
Let the journey begin!!!
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