Day 2: Too excited to sleep

March 15, 2008
Weight: 239
Walk: 2 miles 34’18”
Location: Home - Treadmill

I could not sleep at all last night! It kind of like that combination of anxiety, excitement and confusion that I used to get the night before the first day of school. I ended up getting up around 4:00 and figured that while I was feeling it that I would start working on writing my 4th step (Made a searching and fearless moral inventory of ourselves). After staying up until about 12:30 reading about love and compassion in Buddhist thought and indentifying many of my shortcomings and issues with building healthy relationships I thought that I was in the right frame of mind to start on this step that I have been putting off for months. After writing for about an hour or so I finally crashed on the couch until my boys woke me up around 7:30.

I finally made it to the treadmill a little after 9:00 for my walk. Today I figured that I should probably tone it down a little bit because last night I was absolutely wiped out from pushing on my 3 mile walk. I set the treadmill for 3.5 mph and took off.

My thoughts today were mostly around my readings and writings from last night asking for the ability to remove my defects including being judgmental, jealous, unaccepting and passive aggressive. I asked to be able to accept things and people as they are and to learn to be more compassionate. One thing I have learned in early recovery is that we, as people, are more alike than many of us would like to think. I have met so many people who I never would have imagined ever speaking to who I not only identify with, but have been great sources of strength and inspiration.

As I walked I also went through many of the people in my life expressing gratitude for them and the gifts that I have received from them. Especially those people whom I harbor resentments for are, because many of the are also the people I am most grateful for. I can say this because I can look at my role in each of these resentments and see how my selfishness and fear have fueled these resentments. I now hope for the ability to let go of these resentments, be rid of these defects of character and fill the void left with real love and compassion.

Being on the treadmill for this walk my journey was not filled with singing birds, but rather the sounds of my boys playing and fighting. In the past I would have lost it and started screaming at them, but today I decided to let them work it out (as long as no punched were thrown) and they seemed to do OK. I think that too often I get in the way rather than letting things run their course, not only with my children, but in many areas of my life. Maybe tomorrow I think about patience during my walk.