Day 3...Good Anxiety?

March 16, 2008
Weight: 239
Walk: 3 Mile loop – 50’ 18”
Location: Home

Another restless night. I’m not sure why I’m having such a hard time sleeping. I spent most of the day painting yesterday and felt physically exhausted, but still couldn’t sleep. I explained the feeling to my wife and she said quite simply it’s anxiety and by description I guess it is, but I usually thought of anxiety as a negative feeling, but I’m actually feeling much better than I have been recently. Maybe this anxiety is positive…a feeling of excitement and possibility that is just strange to me and my mind/body don’t quite know what to do with it. In just a few days of walking and practicing meditation I feel like I have stirred up the pot and all of these emotions, feeling, thoughts and memories are struggling to get out. The interesting thing about it is that while there are some negative feelings and emotions that I have recognized, there is a lot of good as well. I think that I have always had the ability to know what the right thing to do is (and in some cases have actually done it!), but often I have been too afraid for some reason and did not have the courage to deal with my feelings and situations. My hope is that this is in the process of changing.

This brings me to my point of reflection today, patience. I am a very impatient person. I want it, and I want it now. If I am not immediately satisfied or entertained I’m either off to the next thing or sit and in self pity, make justifications for my feelings and start to create resentments. I have a great difficulty focusing and my attention wanders constantly. This is especially noticed in my work and in dealing with my children. So on today’s walk I tried to focus solely on my breathing for the entire walk to try and cultivate the ability to do 1 thing for an extended period of time without distraction…how’d I do? Well, not too bad I guess. I was distracted by the snow flurries, different thoughts of family and work, the cars going by, fire trucks returning to the station and people passing me by. But these were pleasant distractions for the most part and I concentrated on letting them pass without obsessing and it was a very positive experience.

Some of the insights that crossed my mind were to start to appreciate the tings that God has given me rather than grasping and hoping for what I don’t have. I am quite fortunate in my life and need to appreciate things more. It is of no use worrying or even wondering what I might have if I had done things differently in the past…I must put that behind me and embrace what is right in front of me.

Another interesting insight today was noticing people as I passed them and wondering where they are going and what they are thinking. As I thought about this it dawned on me that I does not make any sense to even try and guess…how many of them looked at me and said “:there goes a man trying to find himself”. It is ridiculous to try and read people thoughts. The only thing that this leads to is the creation of false hope, unreal expectations and then finally resentment. This is an important thing for me because it is one of my greatest flaws.

Well, today I felt like I could just keep walking and enjoy the time with myself breathing and reflecting, but life calls and there is no point in finding me if I cannot share myself with others. Now its off to a birthday party with a bunch of 6-7 year olds…a real test in patience!