It only seems appropriate that I take some time out to give thanks on this day. While I have been in a bit of a self-imposed slump, I have come to see that the mental walls that I construct are there to force me to tear them down...sometimes quickly sometimes slowly. For this insight I am Thankful.
I started this day at a 6:30 meeting listening to people share their gratitude and thanks. I need these constant reminders that the program works and these people are examples speaking...I don' know how long they have been sober or how long they will stay sober, but today they had the ability to share their experience and it is my experience. Each one of these stories helped to chip away at my wall.
Following the meting I spent a few hours with my family delivering meals on wheels. This was my first experience doing this and it was a great lesson in the power of humility for me. To me this was about not only delivering the meals to these people who need assistance, but also sharing the spirit of the holiday with my children so that they can understand the importance of helping others. I hope to teach them this so that they can keep reminding me of this lesson as well.
This was a very different Thanksgiving experience from my norm which was made up of gluttonous eating & drinking. Relatively speaking, this was a very humble thanksgiving and is exactly what I needed today.
I feel that I'm getting back on solid footing emotionally and spiritually and ready to go to work on those mental/emotional walls that remain in my way. It may take some time to do this, but that's OK...this is my opportunity to practice patience and humility. Happy Thanksgiving.
11/27/2008
11/25/2008
Falling Back
I'm writing now because I feel like shit. I must say that I have not felt this way in a very long time and it is quite humbling. I had a good day running errands, going to a meeting, a workout and picking up my kids. Not sure if there was a trigger or what it was that set me off, but I'm off.
I'm feeling lonely, angry, resentful and depressed all at the same time. I'm a raging jealous, control craving lunatic. I can hear it in my voice and can feel it in my chest...this is the pain that I have been hearing about that can be so dangerous. The funny thing is that my jealousy is purely based on thoughts that I have completely created...and also have an agreement that in the separation of my marriage that we are free to date and establish other relationships if we choose. This is why I call myself a control-craving lunatic. It is all about me and what I feel like I need right now and to Hell with everyone and any anything that gets in my way. What a horrible and destructive way to live...and I DON'T WANT TO ANYMORE!!!
I know I need help and the help I need is available for me...it is in the name of a power greater than myself. This is something that I have battled with from day 1 in AA. I do believe I have faith in something...I did feel an awakening that moment it struck me that I needed to stop drinking...I have seen countless people in recovery who are free and happy and I know that I want to be released from me. It hit me the other night that I am definitely over thinking so much of this and the solution that I'm seeking is the simple ability to turn it over and put it in God's hands...not just some things, but everything.
The good news is that I don't even have a fleeting thought to have a drink. I can take solace in the fact that these moments in the past have been springboards for growth and I have hope that this is just part of the path that I need to take to get where I'm supposed to be. I do feel better unloading a bit and will follow this up with a few minutes of just relaxing. praying and making the effort to let go of these feelings and turn them over to God.
I'm feeling lonely, angry, resentful and depressed all at the same time. I'm a raging jealous, control craving lunatic. I can hear it in my voice and can feel it in my chest...this is the pain that I have been hearing about that can be so dangerous. The funny thing is that my jealousy is purely based on thoughts that I have completely created...and also have an agreement that in the separation of my marriage that we are free to date and establish other relationships if we choose. This is why I call myself a control-craving lunatic. It is all about me and what I feel like I need right now and to Hell with everyone and any anything that gets in my way. What a horrible and destructive way to live...and I DON'T WANT TO ANYMORE!!!
I know I need help and the help I need is available for me...it is in the name of a power greater than myself. This is something that I have battled with from day 1 in AA. I do believe I have faith in something...I did feel an awakening that moment it struck me that I needed to stop drinking...I have seen countless people in recovery who are free and happy and I know that I want to be released from me. It hit me the other night that I am definitely over thinking so much of this and the solution that I'm seeking is the simple ability to turn it over and put it in God's hands...not just some things, but everything.
The good news is that I don't even have a fleeting thought to have a drink. I can take solace in the fact that these moments in the past have been springboards for growth and I have hope that this is just part of the path that I need to take to get where I'm supposed to be. I do feel better unloading a bit and will follow this up with a few minutes of just relaxing. praying and making the effort to let go of these feelings and turn them over to God.
11/24/2008
Day ???...Typical Behavior!
Yes, you can say that I have a tendency to be all or nothing! I stopped writing this blog for one day over 7 months ago and have thought about it nearly every day...yet have done nothing. This is a great example of the pattern of my life. I go "all in" for a period of time be it working out, eating right, working, writing, etc...and then I take 1 day of and I'm gone. We'll I'm back.
With this pattern in my life, how in the hell have I stayed sober? I think I hit on the answer to that last night in re-reading "How it Works" in the Big Book. I need to stop trying to take control of outcomes and start taking my entire life one day at a time and apply the principles of the program in all of my affairs. This means turning my will and my life over to my Higher Power. For once this actually makes sense to me.
After reading last night and reflecting on the reading (not analyzing and trying to figure it out) it just seemed so easy...LET IT GO! This is exactly what I did to get sober. When I faced myself in that moment, I surrendered. In that moment the obsession to drink was lifted in such a way that it could have only been by something greater than me. I spent so much time thinking about not drinking, but could not beat the obsession until that moment.
My plan now is to use the program of AA not only to keep me sober, but to use the experience to build my life and my future. I don't know what it will look like, but I have decided that if i give myself and my will that I will be pleasantly surprised by the results. It's a leap of faith, but I have seen enough in the rooms to know that the future that the 12 steps hold for me is much better than the pain and loneliness that led me to this program.
So I have removed the pressure of writing everyday, I have decided to use this space as a place where I can express myself and share my journey without a hook. It is about reovery and living life as it comes. So I'm back...today.
With this pattern in my life, how in the hell have I stayed sober? I think I hit on the answer to that last night in re-reading "How it Works" in the Big Book. I need to stop trying to take control of outcomes and start taking my entire life one day at a time and apply the principles of the program in all of my affairs. This means turning my will and my life over to my Higher Power. For once this actually makes sense to me.
After reading last night and reflecting on the reading (not analyzing and trying to figure it out) it just seemed so easy...LET IT GO! This is exactly what I did to get sober. When I faced myself in that moment, I surrendered. In that moment the obsession to drink was lifted in such a way that it could have only been by something greater than me. I spent so much time thinking about not drinking, but could not beat the obsession until that moment.
My plan now is to use the program of AA not only to keep me sober, but to use the experience to build my life and my future. I don't know what it will look like, but I have decided that if i give myself and my will that I will be pleasantly surprised by the results. It's a leap of faith, but I have seen enough in the rooms to know that the future that the 12 steps hold for me is much better than the pain and loneliness that led me to this program.
So I have removed the pressure of writing everyday, I have decided to use this space as a place where I can express myself and share my journey without a hook. It is about reovery and living life as it comes. So I'm back...today.
4/09/2008
Day 26…Back in the City
April 8, 2008
Weight: ???
Distance: About 2 miles, 30 minutes
Location: NYC Streets
Today I flew to NYC for work and will bee here through Sunday for work…a busy week, but I’m excited about it. Being in NY and having a lot to do today, I decided to make my walk part of my errands…walking from Penn Station to my accountant to get my taxes, walking to the hotel and then walking to meet a colleague for dinner. All in all I think I racked up about 2 miles. With everything I have to do this week and all of the running around I have to do I think I’ll be racking up quite a few miles!
During my walk today I tried to soak in the sounds and just take it all in. I have not been to New York in nice weather since last spring. It is still my favorite place in the world to walk. So many people and things to see…I love the energy of it all. As I walked I thought about “practicing these principles in all of our affairs” and how that relates to my professional life.
I can understand the need for honesty in work and I feel that I have always been honest with my customers and my colleagues. Where I feel I really need to do a better job is with myself. I need to start holding myself to the standards that I expect from others. With my recent focus on my recovery and my inventory I must admit that I have been very distracted and have not poured as much of myself into my job as I would like. I have a great opportunity and I love the people I work with and want to contribute all that I can to the success of the company.
I need to practice the principals of honesty, integrity, compassion and also the passion for my work to build real, strong relationships with my co-workers as well as my customers. To do this I need to start extending myself and increasing the focus on my work. Hopefully as I gain more clarity and increase my ability to concentrate I will also start to make progress in reaching the potential that lies within me.
Weight: ???
Distance: About 2 miles, 30 minutes
Location: NYC Streets
Today I flew to NYC for work and will bee here through Sunday for work…a busy week, but I’m excited about it. Being in NY and having a lot to do today, I decided to make my walk part of my errands…walking from Penn Station to my accountant to get my taxes, walking to the hotel and then walking to meet a colleague for dinner. All in all I think I racked up about 2 miles. With everything I have to do this week and all of the running around I have to do I think I’ll be racking up quite a few miles!
During my walk today I tried to soak in the sounds and just take it all in. I have not been to New York in nice weather since last spring. It is still my favorite place in the world to walk. So many people and things to see…I love the energy of it all. As I walked I thought about “practicing these principles in all of our affairs” and how that relates to my professional life.
I can understand the need for honesty in work and I feel that I have always been honest with my customers and my colleagues. Where I feel I really need to do a better job is with myself. I need to start holding myself to the standards that I expect from others. With my recent focus on my recovery and my inventory I must admit that I have been very distracted and have not poured as much of myself into my job as I would like. I have a great opportunity and I love the people I work with and want to contribute all that I can to the success of the company.
I need to practice the principals of honesty, integrity, compassion and also the passion for my work to build real, strong relationships with my co-workers as well as my customers. To do this I need to start extending myself and increasing the focus on my work. Hopefully as I gain more clarity and increase my ability to concentrate I will also start to make progress in reaching the potential that lies within me.
Day 25…Off Day
April 7, 2008
Today got away from me…what can I say. I’m feeling pretty good and getting ready to head to NYC for the week. Too much to do!
Today got away from me…what can I say. I’m feeling pretty good and getting ready to head to NYC for the week. Too much to do!
4/06/2008
Day 24…Handle with care
April 6, 2008
Weight: 240
Walk: About 2 miles, 30’15”
Location: Home: Neighborhood (hill route)
Last night I was once again humbled by my alcoholism. I suppose that if I looked back at my last few posts I would probably see why, but I’m not going into the past. Thankfully I did not have a drink and for that I am grateful…I am also grateful to have a very understanding friend in my wife because she always ends up taking the brunt of my episodes of self-pity. I give her so much credit because she has learned not to give into my pity and holds her ground and the bounderies that we have agreed upon in our relationship right now. I still have some work to do on this.
So on my walk today this was definitely top of mind. The episode from last night was the same old story of jealosy, selfishness, depression and good old self pity. What I thought about as I walked was how I had gone from feeling so good to falling right back into self pity…I guess it was a lesson to demonstrate just how fragile my sobriety is. I guess I was riding high, feeling good and temporarily forgot the reason for all of this…turning over my will and letting go of control.
My thinking was that I have not had any cravings for alcohol, I have found that I do have a connection with my higher power and I’m good to go…I’ve finally got my alcoholism under control. WRONG! I must never forget that my alcoholism is a hefty foe and is always there just waiting for me to let me guard down. This is so important for me to remember. My higher power is always there for me, but I must be humble and allow God’s will to direct me in all my affairs, not only those that I decide I want him to.
The decision for me to turn over some of my will is just another example of half measures leading to no results, or the same old results. If I want to honestly and truly experience change in my life I need to make changes in my life…be it my drinking, eating, work or relationships I must change my approach and my actions to change the results. I also cannot expect or ask others to change…it must happen with me. Now I must decide if I really want it. I know that I don’t want to feel the way I did last night again or to keep putting this pressure on my wife because it is not fair to her. I must remember that feeling of dispare and pray to God to keep this memory fresh in my head and use it to motivate me to change. I will reap the rewards of better health, better relationships and real satisfaction and happiness.
Weight: 240
Walk: About 2 miles, 30’15”
Location: Home: Neighborhood (hill route)
Last night I was once again humbled by my alcoholism. I suppose that if I looked back at my last few posts I would probably see why, but I’m not going into the past. Thankfully I did not have a drink and for that I am grateful…I am also grateful to have a very understanding friend in my wife because she always ends up taking the brunt of my episodes of self-pity. I give her so much credit because she has learned not to give into my pity and holds her ground and the bounderies that we have agreed upon in our relationship right now. I still have some work to do on this.
So on my walk today this was definitely top of mind. The episode from last night was the same old story of jealosy, selfishness, depression and good old self pity. What I thought about as I walked was how I had gone from feeling so good to falling right back into self pity…I guess it was a lesson to demonstrate just how fragile my sobriety is. I guess I was riding high, feeling good and temporarily forgot the reason for all of this…turning over my will and letting go of control.
My thinking was that I have not had any cravings for alcohol, I have found that I do have a connection with my higher power and I’m good to go…I’ve finally got my alcoholism under control. WRONG! I must never forget that my alcoholism is a hefty foe and is always there just waiting for me to let me guard down. This is so important for me to remember. My higher power is always there for me, but I must be humble and allow God’s will to direct me in all my affairs, not only those that I decide I want him to.
The decision for me to turn over some of my will is just another example of half measures leading to no results, or the same old results. If I want to honestly and truly experience change in my life I need to make changes in my life…be it my drinking, eating, work or relationships I must change my approach and my actions to change the results. I also cannot expect or ask others to change…it must happen with me. Now I must decide if I really want it. I know that I don’t want to feel the way I did last night again or to keep putting this pressure on my wife because it is not fair to her. I must remember that feeling of dispare and pray to God to keep this memory fresh in my head and use it to motivate me to change. I will reap the rewards of better health, better relationships and real satisfaction and happiness.
4/05/2008
Day 23…Making Progress
April 5, 2008
Weight: 238
Walk: 2 miles, 30’05”
Location: Home: Treadmill
I decided to walk inside again today as the weather is still a bit grey and misty. I was very motivated to walk today because of how I felt after yesterday’s walk. I don’t know if it’s the exercise itself or the revelation of my denial that brought it on, but I felt so good that I wish I could have stayed that way forever. I guess the best thing to do is to keep on walking and continue to build my faith and understanding of myself.
During my walk today I tried a new exercise that I had read in one of my meditation books. The exercise is to ask “What is it?” as a mantra while meditating and resisting the need to answer. If questions and answers come you are to just acknowledge them and let them pass. I thought that this would be a very interesting technique to help develop greater curiosity and tried it during my middle 10 minutes today. I did find it difficult to not come up with answers because that is my instinctual behavior…to have an answer for everything. This need has included to find answers for my pain and suffering as well as that of the people around me (co-dependence anyone?)…usually the solutions that I came up with were temporary band-aids like drinking, shopping and other things that I thought would be pleasurable and create happiness. Sometimes it worked, but only temporarily. I am grateful to be aware of this now and realize that happiness cannot be bought or drunk.
Doing this practice made me feel really good about the progress I have made and I decided think about some of the positive things that have and are happening in my life. I do not have to drink, I am getting better at eating healthy (or at least in moderation), my relationships are getting healthier, and I am exercising every day and learning to get to know myself. I credit all of these positive changes to the AA program. I think that I have always known the right things to do, but I don’t think I cared enough about myself and the people around me to take any real action. Now as I start to better understand the way to truly be happy is by being of service to others (my family, friends, co-workers and fellow alcoholics) I am starting the practice the principals of AA in all areas of my life. I am just starting to see and feel the rewards and have great hope for tomorrow.
Weight: 238
Walk: 2 miles, 30’05”
Location: Home: Treadmill
I decided to walk inside again today as the weather is still a bit grey and misty. I was very motivated to walk today because of how I felt after yesterday’s walk. I don’t know if it’s the exercise itself or the revelation of my denial that brought it on, but I felt so good that I wish I could have stayed that way forever. I guess the best thing to do is to keep on walking and continue to build my faith and understanding of myself.
During my walk today I tried a new exercise that I had read in one of my meditation books. The exercise is to ask “What is it?” as a mantra while meditating and resisting the need to answer. If questions and answers come you are to just acknowledge them and let them pass. I thought that this would be a very interesting technique to help develop greater curiosity and tried it during my middle 10 minutes today. I did find it difficult to not come up with answers because that is my instinctual behavior…to have an answer for everything. This need has included to find answers for my pain and suffering as well as that of the people around me (co-dependence anyone?)…usually the solutions that I came up with were temporary band-aids like drinking, shopping and other things that I thought would be pleasurable and create happiness. Sometimes it worked, but only temporarily. I am grateful to be aware of this now and realize that happiness cannot be bought or drunk.
Doing this practice made me feel really good about the progress I have made and I decided think about some of the positive things that have and are happening in my life. I do not have to drink, I am getting better at eating healthy (or at least in moderation), my relationships are getting healthier, and I am exercising every day and learning to get to know myself. I credit all of these positive changes to the AA program. I think that I have always known the right things to do, but I don’t think I cared enough about myself and the people around me to take any real action. Now as I start to better understand the way to truly be happy is by being of service to others (my family, friends, co-workers and fellow alcoholics) I am starting the practice the principals of AA in all areas of my life. I am just starting to see and feel the rewards and have great hope for tomorrow.
4/04/2008
Day 22…Good old denial!
April 4, 2008
Weight: 236
Walk: 2 miles, 30’15”
Location: Home: Treadmill
Today it is raining and dreary so I was stuck inside. I had a really hard time getting motivated today and ended up taking a nap this morning until I went to the noon meeting. I still can’t seem to get my energy level up and it has been very frustrating. I know that if I just get moving it will come, but that initial push has eluded me thus far. I was actually going to take a nap this afternoon again, but then I realized that if I’m going to waste time napping, I’m better off walking…and I’m glad I did.
I have been thinking quite a bit about my higher power and what it is and how I will know it’s there and all of the implications of turning my life and my will over. A few things I heard at meetings last night and today gave me quite a bit to think about during my walk and I was re-acquainted with my old friend denial.
Last night I was speaking with someone after the meeting about changing habits and creating new instincts rather repeating our old alcoholic thoughts and actions. What he said really struck me…he said that we have to remember that WE CANNOT remove our defects because they are a part of us. Only God can do this. That was interesting, but created more havoc for me because I have been asking God and don’t know if I’m doing it right and following the steps properly. When I explained this he told me that he was once told that WE don not take the steps, but rather the steps take us. Thought this sounded good, but didn’t really understand it until my walk.
At the meeting today we talked about wanting MORE. This is a common attribute among many alcoholics…more beer, food, sleep, pity, time…we can never have enough of anything it seems. Boy can I relate to this.
Recently this can be seen in my quest to establish contact with God. I have been so obsessive about reading books on spirituality, buddhism, the Big Book, the 12 & 12, etc. and spending so much of my valuable time meditating that I have been ignoring a simple fact…my spiritual awakening has already happened and I have a relationship with God that is stronger than ever before. The moment it struck me that I must stop drinking a huge weight was lifted off of my shoulders and I can honestly say that I have not had the urge to drink since that very moment. Thinking about the obsession I had with drinking prior to that moment I must stop denying that this was a miracle and the work of God.
This denial has been an obstruction to really reaping the rewards of step 6-9. Now that I can see that I have been denying myself the relationship that I already have I feel like steps 6 and 7 have now taken me and it feels great. I need to put a bit more thought into step 8 and then 9 will take me a while because so many people are far away from me, but as I chip away at my amends I have also realized that I must now start to be more open to folks in AA and offer myself to newcomers and to start “giving it away” so that as I work with others I can also gain a deeper understanding and appreciation of this program and myself.
Weight: 236
Walk: 2 miles, 30’15”
Location: Home: Treadmill
Today it is raining and dreary so I was stuck inside. I had a really hard time getting motivated today and ended up taking a nap this morning until I went to the noon meeting. I still can’t seem to get my energy level up and it has been very frustrating. I know that if I just get moving it will come, but that initial push has eluded me thus far. I was actually going to take a nap this afternoon again, but then I realized that if I’m going to waste time napping, I’m better off walking…and I’m glad I did.
I have been thinking quite a bit about my higher power and what it is and how I will know it’s there and all of the implications of turning my life and my will over. A few things I heard at meetings last night and today gave me quite a bit to think about during my walk and I was re-acquainted with my old friend denial.
Last night I was speaking with someone after the meeting about changing habits and creating new instincts rather repeating our old alcoholic thoughts and actions. What he said really struck me…he said that we have to remember that WE CANNOT remove our defects because they are a part of us. Only God can do this. That was interesting, but created more havoc for me because I have been asking God and don’t know if I’m doing it right and following the steps properly. When I explained this he told me that he was once told that WE don not take the steps, but rather the steps take us. Thought this sounded good, but didn’t really understand it until my walk.
At the meeting today we talked about wanting MORE. This is a common attribute among many alcoholics…more beer, food, sleep, pity, time…we can never have enough of anything it seems. Boy can I relate to this.
Recently this can be seen in my quest to establish contact with God. I have been so obsessive about reading books on spirituality, buddhism, the Big Book, the 12 & 12, etc. and spending so much of my valuable time meditating that I have been ignoring a simple fact…my spiritual awakening has already happened and I have a relationship with God that is stronger than ever before. The moment it struck me that I must stop drinking a huge weight was lifted off of my shoulders and I can honestly say that I have not had the urge to drink since that very moment. Thinking about the obsession I had with drinking prior to that moment I must stop denying that this was a miracle and the work of God.
This denial has been an obstruction to really reaping the rewards of step 6-9. Now that I can see that I have been denying myself the relationship that I already have I feel like steps 6 and 7 have now taken me and it feels great. I need to put a bit more thought into step 8 and then 9 will take me a while because so many people are far away from me, but as I chip away at my amends I have also realized that I must now start to be more open to folks in AA and offer myself to newcomers and to start “giving it away” so that as I work with others I can also gain a deeper understanding and appreciation of this program and myself.
4/03/2008
Day 21…Good Morning!
April 3, 2008
Weight: 237
Walk: 2 miles, 30’50”
Location: Home: Treadmill
Well, I finally got out of bed today early! This has been a struggle for me as long as I can remember and it feels good to break the habit of sleeping late (at least for today). It comes down to a matter of motivation. I KNOW that when I get up and get moving I have a much better day…I feel more energetic and feel better about myself. With the challenges I have had lately my biggest issues are energy and self confidence so it only makes sense to take an action that will help me in these areas. It just continues to amaze me how habits can control us even when we know that they are hindering development and growth.
After hanging out with the kids and making breakfast I walked for 2 miles on the treadmill. I spent this time thinking about a number of things…first is my friend who told me that his son tried to kill himself over the weekend. I cannot imagine anything worse for a parent than to know that your child is in that much pain. He and I have spoken about it and talked a bit about depression and the issues that we both have/are facing with it. Depression is such an awful disease and so often ignored. As difficult as the situation is for him, all I can do is offer support and help him to see that they have an opportunity now as a family to help each other and try to heel. It is awful that it has to start from a situation like this, but as I am learning, it often takes great amounts of pain to foster growth.
This led me to think about my situation and to try an place some perspective on where I am in my recovery and to really think about what “One day at a time” really means. After going thorough my defects and discussing step 6 at the noon meeting yesterday I have realized that I can’t just wish these defects away, but have to learn to accept them as a part of me, be compassionate to myself and others and develop new habits and actions to create a life that will allow me to work towards my potential. I must be patient in this process and that’s where “One day at a time” comes in.
I have often heard that either you are moving forward or backwards. Recently I have felt stuck trying to take in and “work” steps 45, 6 & 7. I now realize that work means action and with the start to my day today I feel like I’m moving forward.
Weight: 237
Walk: 2 miles, 30’50”
Location: Home: Treadmill
Well, I finally got out of bed today early! This has been a struggle for me as long as I can remember and it feels good to break the habit of sleeping late (at least for today). It comes down to a matter of motivation. I KNOW that when I get up and get moving I have a much better day…I feel more energetic and feel better about myself. With the challenges I have had lately my biggest issues are energy and self confidence so it only makes sense to take an action that will help me in these areas. It just continues to amaze me how habits can control us even when we know that they are hindering development and growth.
After hanging out with the kids and making breakfast I walked for 2 miles on the treadmill. I spent this time thinking about a number of things…first is my friend who told me that his son tried to kill himself over the weekend. I cannot imagine anything worse for a parent than to know that your child is in that much pain. He and I have spoken about it and talked a bit about depression and the issues that we both have/are facing with it. Depression is such an awful disease and so often ignored. As difficult as the situation is for him, all I can do is offer support and help him to see that they have an opportunity now as a family to help each other and try to heel. It is awful that it has to start from a situation like this, but as I am learning, it often takes great amounts of pain to foster growth.
This led me to think about my situation and to try an place some perspective on where I am in my recovery and to really think about what “One day at a time” really means. After going thorough my defects and discussing step 6 at the noon meeting yesterday I have realized that I can’t just wish these defects away, but have to learn to accept them as a part of me, be compassionate to myself and others and develop new habits and actions to create a life that will allow me to work towards my potential. I must be patient in this process and that’s where “One day at a time” comes in.
I have often heard that either you are moving forward or backwards. Recently I have felt stuck trying to take in and “work” steps 45, 6 & 7. I now realize that work means action and with the start to my day today I feel like I’m moving forward.
4/02/2008
Day 20…Off my chest
April 2, 2008
Weight: 238
Walk: About 1 mile, 20’00”
Location: Home: Neighborhood
I again built my walk today into dropping the kids off at school, but cut it short because the wind made it quite cold even though the sun was out. It was nice to feel the wind in a way because it smells so clean when it has a bit of a chill in it.
I am feeling better today because I had an appointment with my therapist yesterday and explained that I wasn’t feeling like I had really completed my 5th step and that my sponsor had kind of skimmed it. He suggested I speak to my sponsor about it and I did. I ended up calling my sponsor and actually going to see him last night and talking to him about how I was feeling and we went over my inventory more thoroughly. I think he was concerned that I would try to take on all of my defects at once and that was the reason for focusing on just a few items in our earlier meeting. I can see the reasoning in that because I do have a tendency to take on everything at once and overwhelm myself (and then getting nothing done), but I really felt that even though I can’t tackle all of these things at once I did need to get it all out.
So during my walk I thought about acceptance of my defects. In order to move on and start to better myself I first must accept that I have an inflated ego and have been a selfish, resentful, jealous, procrastinating, obsessive person and it has effected how I see myself and also how I relate to others. I feel that doing steps 4 & 5 have helped me to clearly define some of my defects and also patterns that I have had in my life. Some of these patterns and behaviors are learned and are based on survival skills (as my therapist has pointed out), but that doesn’t mean I have to settle for them. I have the ability to reach the potential that I know is within me and the ability to stop settling for getting by. I have felt this way for a long time, but I think that I really needed to go through this process to truly accept where I am and am hopeful that it will now allow me to create a path to growth, improvement and starting to tap into the potential that is within me to allow me to heel myself so that I will be able to make myself available to help others.
This is not an easy task, but it is time for me to stop looking for easy solutions and to work for what I want.
Weight: 238
Walk: About 1 mile, 20’00”
Location: Home: Neighborhood
I again built my walk today into dropping the kids off at school, but cut it short because the wind made it quite cold even though the sun was out. It was nice to feel the wind in a way because it smells so clean when it has a bit of a chill in it.
I am feeling better today because I had an appointment with my therapist yesterday and explained that I wasn’t feeling like I had really completed my 5th step and that my sponsor had kind of skimmed it. He suggested I speak to my sponsor about it and I did. I ended up calling my sponsor and actually going to see him last night and talking to him about how I was feeling and we went over my inventory more thoroughly. I think he was concerned that I would try to take on all of my defects at once and that was the reason for focusing on just a few items in our earlier meeting. I can see the reasoning in that because I do have a tendency to take on everything at once and overwhelm myself (and then getting nothing done), but I really felt that even though I can’t tackle all of these things at once I did need to get it all out.
So during my walk I thought about acceptance of my defects. In order to move on and start to better myself I first must accept that I have an inflated ego and have been a selfish, resentful, jealous, procrastinating, obsessive person and it has effected how I see myself and also how I relate to others. I feel that doing steps 4 & 5 have helped me to clearly define some of my defects and also patterns that I have had in my life. Some of these patterns and behaviors are learned and are based on survival skills (as my therapist has pointed out), but that doesn’t mean I have to settle for them. I have the ability to reach the potential that I know is within me and the ability to stop settling for getting by. I have felt this way for a long time, but I think that I really needed to go through this process to truly accept where I am and am hopeful that it will now allow me to create a path to growth, improvement and starting to tap into the potential that is within me to allow me to heel myself so that I will be able to make myself available to help others.
This is not an easy task, but it is time for me to stop looking for easy solutions and to work for what I want.
4/01/2008
Day 19...Work in progress
April 1, 2008
Weight: 240
Walk: About 1.5 miles, 30’00”
Location: Home: Neighborhood
I tied today’s walk into some errands…first I walked the kids to school and then continued on to my dentist appointment. It is finally a warm enough day to really enjoy being outdoors, but quite windy. I guess I’m just happy being outside without freezing.
I went through my inventory with my sponsor yesterday and it really wasn’t what I expected. He seemed to skim over it and only wanted me to focus on what I thought were my major defects. I see them as jealousy, oversensitivity and obsessing over things. We discussed these in a bit more detail, but I still feel like I need to get more out to another person to really complete this step. I have an appointment with my therapist tonight and will discuss it with him.
On my walk I was really enjoying the weather, but was preoccupied with the exchange I had with my wife before I left home with the kids. We had a stupid argument about directions to the post office and of course I then leave ticked off. Yes, a perfect example of my oversensitivity. Rather than understand that she just woke up and is cranky (as she is in the morning), I leave ticked off and feeling like she thinks I’m stupid and hates me. Yes, I still have quite a bit of work to do!
So as I walked I thought about this and also the practice of recognizing the feeling, accepting it (and how irrational it is) and tried to let it go. I was fairly successful, but old habits are hard to break. I think that I really need to make time each morning and start to meditate to help me better identify these feelings and process them properly. I’m reading a book about using meditation to deal with fear and anxiety and I think that it makes a lot of sense. But it also says in the book that you must go beyond reading about it and actually put it into practice to reap the rewards…this can be said for so many things!
So I need a plan and I need to stick to that plan. It is just so hard to get out of bed sometimes. I’m trying not to put too much pressure on myself to take on too much, but I want to feel better so badly that I get impatient and stressed out and do nothing instead of something. I know what I should do, but I’m having a really hard time getting the motivation to do it. I guess I’ll just focus on what I can do right now and take it from there.
Weight: 240
Walk: About 1.5 miles, 30’00”
Location: Home: Neighborhood
I tied today’s walk into some errands…first I walked the kids to school and then continued on to my dentist appointment. It is finally a warm enough day to really enjoy being outdoors, but quite windy. I guess I’m just happy being outside without freezing.
I went through my inventory with my sponsor yesterday and it really wasn’t what I expected. He seemed to skim over it and only wanted me to focus on what I thought were my major defects. I see them as jealousy, oversensitivity and obsessing over things. We discussed these in a bit more detail, but I still feel like I need to get more out to another person to really complete this step. I have an appointment with my therapist tonight and will discuss it with him.
On my walk I was really enjoying the weather, but was preoccupied with the exchange I had with my wife before I left home with the kids. We had a stupid argument about directions to the post office and of course I then leave ticked off. Yes, a perfect example of my oversensitivity. Rather than understand that she just woke up and is cranky (as she is in the morning), I leave ticked off and feeling like she thinks I’m stupid and hates me. Yes, I still have quite a bit of work to do!
So as I walked I thought about this and also the practice of recognizing the feeling, accepting it (and how irrational it is) and tried to let it go. I was fairly successful, but old habits are hard to break. I think that I really need to make time each morning and start to meditate to help me better identify these feelings and process them properly. I’m reading a book about using meditation to deal with fear and anxiety and I think that it makes a lot of sense. But it also says in the book that you must go beyond reading about it and actually put it into practice to reap the rewards…this can be said for so many things!
So I need a plan and I need to stick to that plan. It is just so hard to get out of bed sometimes. I’m trying not to put too much pressure on myself to take on too much, but I want to feel better so badly that I get impatient and stressed out and do nothing instead of something. I know what I should do, but I’m having a really hard time getting the motivation to do it. I guess I’ll just focus on what I can do right now and take it from there.
3/31/2008
Day 18...Easy as 1,2,3
March 31, 2008
Weight: 241
Walk: 2 Miles, 33’00”
Location: Home: Treadmill
Back indoors today due to rain…yes, another dreary day outside. I made a date with my sponsor for this afternoon to review my inventory (interesting because my horoscope says I will have an emotional encounter that will prove beneficial in the end). I don’t want to project, but I am really hopeful that cleaning house will help me to get over the resentments that still are haunting me. Again last night and this morning I was feeling resentment for my wife because I woke up late night and heard her speaking with a friend of hers who I have been very jealous of…they are only friends, and spoke of nothing but their work and I was still feeling resentful. I guess that is what this disease does to us…makes mountains out of molehills and keeps the focus on ME and MY NEEDS.
Because of this feeling I am really glad that I’m meeting to discuss my inventory. I really feel ready and know that if I continue to put it off it will just consume me (obsessive thinking). So because of this I focused my walk on reviewing the first 3 steps to make sure that I am ready to move forward.
I started with step 1 and went back to my childhood and especially my first drunk. In the woods with my brother, Wild Turkey and bottled screwdriver. I threw up in his girlfriend’s car and my father had to carry me into the house and give me a bath. Quite a first go! I also thought about how self-conscious I was when I was young. I was always one of the fat kids and even though I played sports and was very active…I was still fat and it always stood in the way of me reaching my potential. Recognizing this is important for me because I often like to think that my drinking and my depression has been caused by my adult life (work, marriage, kids), but in fact I can remember times feeling so alone when I was young that I would sit in my room and cry much like I have done in recent years. 1 year ago I finally realized that I couldn’t do it anymore. I didn’t know I was an alcoholic, but I knew that drinking was interfering with my life…drinking to handle anxiety, not being able to focus on work, getting drunk and showing up for work late and hung over, lashing out at my wife and kids. I didn’t know how to explain it until I went to my first meeting and read step 1…there it was. My life had become unmanageable and I was powerless over alcohol. It was amazing. From that moment on I knew I was in the right place and that I was on to something. I still thought that I could do it my way, but there was something to AA.
Steps 2 & 3 have been much more difficult for me to come to terms with. I have always tried to be a self-sufficient as possible, not relying on anyone for help and keeping problems to myself. What’s interesting is that my therapist pointed out to me that it makes sense that my wife and I connected because when we met I needed to be taken care of and she was conditioned to take care of people by her upbringing. This was interesting because I thought I was the one doing the taking care of and now that I look back, I wasn’t. I needed her to act just so and needed her to coddle me and take care of only me. This was caused by my parents lack of attention to me as a young person because they were focused on their business. It sounds kind of like psycho-babble, but it makes sense to me. This need to internalize made step 2 difficult, but after enough emotional pain I have realized that I must try something else because my way may be keeping me sober (for now), but I’m not healing emotionally.
The issue with step 3 is my lack of trust. I have a hard time trusting anyone and anything beside myself. That being said, I have always believed that there is something that guides us in life and that things “happen for a reason”. Some guiding force has led me to some wonderful places, experiences and people in my life so I do believe there is something...I mean I read horiscopes! I guess just not know exactly what “it” is has me hung up a bit. The Big Book says that we only need to believe in a power greater than ourself. Though I don’t know exactly what this power is, I can see that I am on the right path to build a closer relationship with it and gain understanding as time goes on. I must be patient in this and accept that there is something and it and the path it wants for me will unfold when I’m ready. For now, I’m ready to take the next step.
Weight: 241
Walk: 2 Miles, 33’00”
Location: Home: Treadmill
Back indoors today due to rain…yes, another dreary day outside. I made a date with my sponsor for this afternoon to review my inventory (interesting because my horoscope says I will have an emotional encounter that will prove beneficial in the end). I don’t want to project, but I am really hopeful that cleaning house will help me to get over the resentments that still are haunting me. Again last night and this morning I was feeling resentment for my wife because I woke up late night and heard her speaking with a friend of hers who I have been very jealous of…they are only friends, and spoke of nothing but their work and I was still feeling resentful. I guess that is what this disease does to us…makes mountains out of molehills and keeps the focus on ME and MY NEEDS.
Because of this feeling I am really glad that I’m meeting to discuss my inventory. I really feel ready and know that if I continue to put it off it will just consume me (obsessive thinking). So because of this I focused my walk on reviewing the first 3 steps to make sure that I am ready to move forward.
I started with step 1 and went back to my childhood and especially my first drunk. In the woods with my brother, Wild Turkey and bottled screwdriver. I threw up in his girlfriend’s car and my father had to carry me into the house and give me a bath. Quite a first go! I also thought about how self-conscious I was when I was young. I was always one of the fat kids and even though I played sports and was very active…I was still fat and it always stood in the way of me reaching my potential. Recognizing this is important for me because I often like to think that my drinking and my depression has been caused by my adult life (work, marriage, kids), but in fact I can remember times feeling so alone when I was young that I would sit in my room and cry much like I have done in recent years. 1 year ago I finally realized that I couldn’t do it anymore. I didn’t know I was an alcoholic, but I knew that drinking was interfering with my life…drinking to handle anxiety, not being able to focus on work, getting drunk and showing up for work late and hung over, lashing out at my wife and kids. I didn’t know how to explain it until I went to my first meeting and read step 1…there it was. My life had become unmanageable and I was powerless over alcohol. It was amazing. From that moment on I knew I was in the right place and that I was on to something. I still thought that I could do it my way, but there was something to AA.
Steps 2 & 3 have been much more difficult for me to come to terms with. I have always tried to be a self-sufficient as possible, not relying on anyone for help and keeping problems to myself. What’s interesting is that my therapist pointed out to me that it makes sense that my wife and I connected because when we met I needed to be taken care of and she was conditioned to take care of people by her upbringing. This was interesting because I thought I was the one doing the taking care of and now that I look back, I wasn’t. I needed her to act just so and needed her to coddle me and take care of only me. This was caused by my parents lack of attention to me as a young person because they were focused on their business. It sounds kind of like psycho-babble, but it makes sense to me. This need to internalize made step 2 difficult, but after enough emotional pain I have realized that I must try something else because my way may be keeping me sober (for now), but I’m not healing emotionally.
The issue with step 3 is my lack of trust. I have a hard time trusting anyone and anything beside myself. That being said, I have always believed that there is something that guides us in life and that things “happen for a reason”. Some guiding force has led me to some wonderful places, experiences and people in my life so I do believe there is something...I mean I read horiscopes! I guess just not know exactly what “it” is has me hung up a bit. The Big Book says that we only need to believe in a power greater than ourself. Though I don’t know exactly what this power is, I can see that I am on the right path to build a closer relationship with it and gain understanding as time goes on. I must be patient in this and accept that there is something and it and the path it wants for me will unfold when I’m ready. For now, I’m ready to take the next step.
3/30/2008
Day 17...Zoo day
March 30, 2008
Weight: 242
Walk: About 1 mile, 25’00”
Location: Zoo
Today I decided that sometimes I’m going to have to be creative about getting my walk in and sometimes I won’t be alone and just be able to reflect and I’m ok with this…actually I think it makes it a more positive experience. So today I was still drained from an exhausting day yesterday and also anxious about reviewing my inventory with my sponsor.
I ended up sleeping in a bit before spending time with the family and the paper before heading out for my meeting. Unfortunately, my sponsor was ill and had to cancel out meeting today. I am, of course, disappointed because I had prepared myself to do this today, but then realized that the quest I’m on has no time frame and I just need to be patient and it will be done when the time is right. No rush.
Still to drained to get on the treadmill, I decided to take my boys to the zoo and walk around the loop with them and check out the animals. I have always enjoyed zoos and it is something that I have done with my boys ever since they were born. I’m still not sure how I feel about the “idea” of zoos, and decided to think about this a little bit as I walked. I looked at the animals and wondered what they were thinking (yes, I’m still insane!). I mean, what can be going through a tigers mind as he/she sits in an enclosure in an American city. I guess they have been raised in this environment and it is all they know, but there must be some instincts that complicate things a bit.
Since I’m learning to ask for help and not only rely on myself, I asked my kids what they thought the tiger was thinking about and one said he’s thinking about doughnuts and the other said he’s thinking about a wife because he wants one. The lesson here? When you ask for help, know who you are asking!
I left the zoo feeling pretty good having spent some nice time with the kids and not having spent any time dwelling on my issues, but rather focusing on them and enjoying the zoo and our time together. This, is a definite step in the right direction.
Weight: 242
Walk: About 1 mile, 25’00”
Location: Zoo
Today I decided that sometimes I’m going to have to be creative about getting my walk in and sometimes I won’t be alone and just be able to reflect and I’m ok with this…actually I think it makes it a more positive experience. So today I was still drained from an exhausting day yesterday and also anxious about reviewing my inventory with my sponsor.
I ended up sleeping in a bit before spending time with the family and the paper before heading out for my meeting. Unfortunately, my sponsor was ill and had to cancel out meeting today. I am, of course, disappointed because I had prepared myself to do this today, but then realized that the quest I’m on has no time frame and I just need to be patient and it will be done when the time is right. No rush.
Still to drained to get on the treadmill, I decided to take my boys to the zoo and walk around the loop with them and check out the animals. I have always enjoyed zoos and it is something that I have done with my boys ever since they were born. I’m still not sure how I feel about the “idea” of zoos, and decided to think about this a little bit as I walked. I looked at the animals and wondered what they were thinking (yes, I’m still insane!). I mean, what can be going through a tigers mind as he/she sits in an enclosure in an American city. I guess they have been raised in this environment and it is all they know, but there must be some instincts that complicate things a bit.
Since I’m learning to ask for help and not only rely on myself, I asked my kids what they thought the tiger was thinking about and one said he’s thinking about doughnuts and the other said he’s thinking about a wife because he wants one. The lesson here? When you ask for help, know who you are asking!
I left the zoo feeling pretty good having spent some nice time with the kids and not having spent any time dwelling on my issues, but rather focusing on them and enjoying the zoo and our time together. This, is a definite step in the right direction.
Day 16...Spent!
7:00AM Meeting, 9:00 with my shrink and painting all afternoon at home...I was too emotionally and physically spent to walk or write!
3/28/2008
Day 15...Chip Day
March 28, 2008
Weight: 242
Walk: 2 miles, 31’38”
Location: Home - Treadmill
Ok, my lack of weight loss is starting to get to me. Usually when I start an exercise program I lose weight pretty quickly…this time its not happening. Guess I need to keep track of what I’m eating and perhaps be patient and be happy about just feeling better.
Now that I got that off my chest, I was forced back inside for my walk today because we got 5 inches of snow last night. I cannot wait until its warm and I can walk outside everyday…again patience.
For my walk today I spent some time thinking about my first year of sobriety because at the noon meeting I went to today (1 year, 1 month and 26 days sober) I was finally able to pick up my 1 year chip. It felt great to get it in my hands because it means so much to me. I am actually glad I didn’t get it sooner because the way I have started to feel over the past few days makes me feel that I can now really start to appreciate what this means.
The freedom and peace that I am feeling now that I have decided to surrender and accept life as it comes has completely changed my outlook on my life, my relationships and the meaning of my sobriety. As I walked I remembered the day when I finally said enough. I was in my office following a blow out with my wife crying and wondering why all of this was happening to me. I had done some research on the AA website previously, but had no desire to stop drinking because I liked it so much. The next thing I remember is looking at myself in the mirror with tears on my face saying I can’t do this anymore…I need to stop drinking. As the words left my mouth I could feel this enormous weight lift off of me…it was an amazing feeling, but I had no idea what I was in for.
The months that have followed have been a roller coaster…feeling good, new job, no hangovers, still reeling emotionally, fired from my new job, still trying to do it my way, new sponsor, going to more meetings, going back to my old company, still depressed, suffering from emotional hangovers and finally deciding to turn over both my will and my life. What a trip. And now getting to my inventory!
I have to say that I continue to be amazed at the people I have met and the amazing way that AA has worked to save so many people. It really is about living and it is a gift that I feel very grateful to have had come into my life. I don’t know where I would be without it, but I know I would not feel the way I do right now or feel as hopeful about the future as I do right now.
Weight: 242
Walk: 2 miles, 31’38”
Location: Home - Treadmill
Ok, my lack of weight loss is starting to get to me. Usually when I start an exercise program I lose weight pretty quickly…this time its not happening. Guess I need to keep track of what I’m eating and perhaps be patient and be happy about just feeling better.
Now that I got that off my chest, I was forced back inside for my walk today because we got 5 inches of snow last night. I cannot wait until its warm and I can walk outside everyday…again patience.
For my walk today I spent some time thinking about my first year of sobriety because at the noon meeting I went to today (1 year, 1 month and 26 days sober) I was finally able to pick up my 1 year chip. It felt great to get it in my hands because it means so much to me. I am actually glad I didn’t get it sooner because the way I have started to feel over the past few days makes me feel that I can now really start to appreciate what this means.
The freedom and peace that I am feeling now that I have decided to surrender and accept life as it comes has completely changed my outlook on my life, my relationships and the meaning of my sobriety. As I walked I remembered the day when I finally said enough. I was in my office following a blow out with my wife crying and wondering why all of this was happening to me. I had done some research on the AA website previously, but had no desire to stop drinking because I liked it so much. The next thing I remember is looking at myself in the mirror with tears on my face saying I can’t do this anymore…I need to stop drinking. As the words left my mouth I could feel this enormous weight lift off of me…it was an amazing feeling, but I had no idea what I was in for.
The months that have followed have been a roller coaster…feeling good, new job, no hangovers, still reeling emotionally, fired from my new job, still trying to do it my way, new sponsor, going to more meetings, going back to my old company, still depressed, suffering from emotional hangovers and finally deciding to turn over both my will and my life. What a trip. And now getting to my inventory!
I have to say that I continue to be amazed at the people I have met and the amazing way that AA has worked to save so many people. It really is about living and it is a gift that I feel very grateful to have had come into my life. I don’t know where I would be without it, but I know I would not feel the way I do right now or feel as hopeful about the future as I do right now.
3/27/2008
Day 14...Taking Inventory
March 27, 2008
Weight: 241
Walk: About 2 miles, 33’28”
Location: Home - Neighborhood
Taking inventory…I brought up this topic in a meeting earlier this week and one thing that stuck with me was that when taking inventory don’t forget the good things. I tried to keep this in mind as I walked today.
I had to go to the bank to deposit a check so when I had a break from work I decided to make this my walk and take the scenic route. It is another cloudy, dreary day but not too cold. It is a very confusing time of year. You can hear the birds singing, but still feel the need to bundle up…I can only imagine how those poor birds feel!
So during my walk I started to think about my inventory. I thought about what I hope my life to look like and then what attributes do I currently possess. Some of these are there, but either not fully developed or had been buried under the blanket of fear, anger and resentment. Compassion for example. I know that have the ability to be compassionate, loving, honest, giving, caring, helpful and faithful. All of these attributes lay inside of me and make an appearance from time to time…that’s how I know they are there! The problem is that they have been trumped by fear, anger, resentment, self desire, obsession and distrust.
Of all of these things I have determined that the most critical is my ability to have faith and to trust in that faith. This is something I have now honestly started to develop and it had already made a world of difference. Having an understanding that I can believe in and trust in something other than myself has been a major awakening and has allowed me to open the door to a sense of compassion greater than I have ever know. I’m able to look beyond myself and see the pain in others and sympathize with that rather than just harboring a resentment that they are not acting the way I want them to. I can already see the difference in how I relate to my wife and children. This is something that has been missing in my life. I feel like I have had holes and cracks that this faith is starting to fill in. I guess I hope that by continuing to build this faith I will eventually become whole and have the ability to see who I really am and what my true potential as a person is.
What a great felling this is. Now time to work on my inventory more and not forget to keep in mind all of the other good qualities that doing this will start to release. Onward I go!
Weight: 241
Walk: About 2 miles, 33’28”
Location: Home - Neighborhood
Taking inventory…I brought up this topic in a meeting earlier this week and one thing that stuck with me was that when taking inventory don’t forget the good things. I tried to keep this in mind as I walked today.
I had to go to the bank to deposit a check so when I had a break from work I decided to make this my walk and take the scenic route. It is another cloudy, dreary day but not too cold. It is a very confusing time of year. You can hear the birds singing, but still feel the need to bundle up…I can only imagine how those poor birds feel!
So during my walk I started to think about my inventory. I thought about what I hope my life to look like and then what attributes do I currently possess. Some of these are there, but either not fully developed or had been buried under the blanket of fear, anger and resentment. Compassion for example. I know that have the ability to be compassionate, loving, honest, giving, caring, helpful and faithful. All of these attributes lay inside of me and make an appearance from time to time…that’s how I know they are there! The problem is that they have been trumped by fear, anger, resentment, self desire, obsession and distrust.
Of all of these things I have determined that the most critical is my ability to have faith and to trust in that faith. This is something I have now honestly started to develop and it had already made a world of difference. Having an understanding that I can believe in and trust in something other than myself has been a major awakening and has allowed me to open the door to a sense of compassion greater than I have ever know. I’m able to look beyond myself and see the pain in others and sympathize with that rather than just harboring a resentment that they are not acting the way I want them to. I can already see the difference in how I relate to my wife and children. This is something that has been missing in my life. I feel like I have had holes and cracks that this faith is starting to fill in. I guess I hope that by continuing to build this faith I will eventually become whole and have the ability to see who I really am and what my true potential as a person is.
What a great felling this is. Now time to work on my inventory more and not forget to keep in mind all of the other good qualities that doing this will start to release. Onward I go!
3/26/2008
Day 13...Squeezing it in
March 26, 2008
Weight: 241
Walk: About 1.25 miles, 21’55”
Location: Home - Neighborhood
I had a real craving for Chinese food all day today and help of as long as I could. I finally decided that if I wanted it I would have to walk to get it…2 birds with 1 stone! So I made the 10 minute walk each way my walk for today. Not much of a workout, but I did it. I had considered skipping today, but I’m glad I didn’t.
During my walk I was thinking about the power of positive thought and thinking about what I want my life to look like. This came from reading “The Secret” this afternoon. The book speaks about the power of attraction and the need to channel positive thoughts about what you want and the life you as the first step in achieving it. At first I struggled with this notion because does this mean that I’m taking my will back? The more I considered it I decided that it all depends on what it is that I see for my life. What I see is living a life based on compassion, humility and love. With these pillars I will find success as a friend, partner, parent and also in business. All along the way setting an example and being available to help others who struggle like I once did with lack of self esteem, fear and addiction.
In addition to visualizing what it is that I want my life to look like, I also need to plan and think about the steps necessary to get there. The steps I need to take are those of AA. I need to learn to trust in my higher power and develop trust in myself. The first thing I need to do is work on my inventory and use this as a test to trust myself…can I be thorough and fearless? I think I can. What has happened is done…my defects are there and I am well aware of them. Now I must make the effort to really spell it all out and then share it with Mark. This is a major step for me and I have a tremendous amount of excitement and anxiety about it.
I’m going to re-read the Big Book section on the steps tonight and try to focus on my inventory during my walk tomorrow.
Weight: 241
Walk: About 1.25 miles, 21’55”
Location: Home - Neighborhood
I had a real craving for Chinese food all day today and help of as long as I could. I finally decided that if I wanted it I would have to walk to get it…2 birds with 1 stone! So I made the 10 minute walk each way my walk for today. Not much of a workout, but I did it. I had considered skipping today, but I’m glad I didn’t.
During my walk I was thinking about the power of positive thought and thinking about what I want my life to look like. This came from reading “The Secret” this afternoon. The book speaks about the power of attraction and the need to channel positive thoughts about what you want and the life you as the first step in achieving it. At first I struggled with this notion because does this mean that I’m taking my will back? The more I considered it I decided that it all depends on what it is that I see for my life. What I see is living a life based on compassion, humility and love. With these pillars I will find success as a friend, partner, parent and also in business. All along the way setting an example and being available to help others who struggle like I once did with lack of self esteem, fear and addiction.
In addition to visualizing what it is that I want my life to look like, I also need to plan and think about the steps necessary to get there. The steps I need to take are those of AA. I need to learn to trust in my higher power and develop trust in myself. The first thing I need to do is work on my inventory and use this as a test to trust myself…can I be thorough and fearless? I think I can. What has happened is done…my defects are there and I am well aware of them. Now I must make the effort to really spell it all out and then share it with Mark. This is a major step for me and I have a tremendous amount of excitement and anxiety about it.
I’m going to re-read the Big Book section on the steps tonight and try to focus on my inventory during my walk tomorrow.
Day 12...Moving Forward
March 25, 2008
Weight: 240
Walk: About 1.5 miles, 27’34”
Location: Home - Neighborhood
I again did not leave much time to walk today (time I start planning better!), so I decided to leave early for the 7:00 meeting that I wanted to go to and try and get a half hour to myself. The past week has been quite a struggle, but I finally think I’m getting some clarity.
Today was filled with a noon AA meeting followed immediately by a counseling session for my wife and I. During the meeting I asked for help in and guidance for my 4th step which I am working on. The advice was great and it really got me excited about “crossing the threshold” as somebody put it. It was also mentioned that I must be sure that I have got 1, 2 & 3 down…especially 3. I thought I did months ago, but in recent days I feel like my understanding and willingness to let go and turn my life and my will over have finally come to fruition. Before I was still grasping and trying to mold things my way and after enough pain I have decided to give up and let someone else have a shot. it is actually interesting because during our joint counseling session I started to say that I am not as far as I should be in my recovery, but I as the words started to leave my mouth I said “I am…right where I’m supposed to be”. This has a lot of meaning to me because it shows me that all of the pain and suffering that I have felt is part of the process and what I have needed to get to this point…others are different, but this is what I needed.
So my walk was really just about letting thoughts come in and out of my mind. I have so many things that have floated through in the past week from anger, resentment, release, faith, family, love, compassion…etc. That I think I have just overwhelmed my senses and needed some time to just let things come and go and experience the air, my breathing and the snow flurries as they fell.
As I stated earlier, today’s walk was really just a travel from home to the local meeting in a round about way, but just having the time to be with my thoughts and having the discipline to get the walk in, even if it’s only 27 minutes is something that is starting to mean a lot to me and time that I look forward to each day to relax, refresh and really take a look at me, my potential and how I can reach it.
Weight: 240
Walk: About 1.5 miles, 27’34”
Location: Home - Neighborhood
I again did not leave much time to walk today (time I start planning better!), so I decided to leave early for the 7:00 meeting that I wanted to go to and try and get a half hour to myself. The past week has been quite a struggle, but I finally think I’m getting some clarity.
Today was filled with a noon AA meeting followed immediately by a counseling session for my wife and I. During the meeting I asked for help in and guidance for my 4th step which I am working on. The advice was great and it really got me excited about “crossing the threshold” as somebody put it. It was also mentioned that I must be sure that I have got 1, 2 & 3 down…especially 3. I thought I did months ago, but in recent days I feel like my understanding and willingness to let go and turn my life and my will over have finally come to fruition. Before I was still grasping and trying to mold things my way and after enough pain I have decided to give up and let someone else have a shot. it is actually interesting because during our joint counseling session I started to say that I am not as far as I should be in my recovery, but I as the words started to leave my mouth I said “I am…right where I’m supposed to be”. This has a lot of meaning to me because it shows me that all of the pain and suffering that I have felt is part of the process and what I have needed to get to this point…others are different, but this is what I needed.
So my walk was really just about letting thoughts come in and out of my mind. I have so many things that have floated through in the past week from anger, resentment, release, faith, family, love, compassion…etc. That I think I have just overwhelmed my senses and needed some time to just let things come and go and experience the air, my breathing and the snow flurries as they fell.
As I stated earlier, today’s walk was really just a travel from home to the local meeting in a round about way, but just having the time to be with my thoughts and having the discipline to get the walk in, even if it’s only 27 minutes is something that is starting to mean a lot to me and time that I look forward to each day to relax, refresh and really take a look at me, my potential and how I can reach it.
3/24/2008
Day 11...Priorities and Perspective
March 4, 2008
Weight: 240
Walk: About 2.00 miles, 34’30”
Location: Home - Treadmill
Today started like too many days. I went to bed with the intention of getting up early and starting the day right and ended up on the couch with my kids until 8:30. It’s easy to say its quality time with my kids, but really it’s just a selfish excuse to get more sleep that I don’t need. The fact is I’m still depressed and have not had proper priorities and perspective with my life. This came to me as I sat in church yesterday on Easter and also as I sat in a meeting at noon today. During the meeting I brought up the topic of step 3…turning my will and my life over to a higher power and a few of the comments that were shared really hit me and I decided to focus on these during my walk.
I am cramped for time today (because I didn’t get my day off to a good start), so I decided to walk on the treadmill to get my walk in before going to my son’s basketball game. I reflected on the lack of perspective that I have had. I have been spending so much of my time obsessing about my marriage and what will happen. I keep thinking that I must figure this out and express myself just the right way in order to make things work out. The fact is that the way that I have been obsessing and the way I finally expressed myself to my wife on Saturday evening has only done one thing, but a very important thing…it has proven to me that I am still battling the insanity of alcoholism and cannot manage my thoughts and my life. I am in not position to make any decisions, to be in a healthy relationship and to take care of myself because I have not made my recovery THE priority in my life. I read quite a bit and go to meetings when I can, but it is always secondary to something else and for this reason I am still suffering and obsessing.
In the meeting today one man spoke of how his life was before truly letting it all go to God and the words he used (confusion, despair, hopelessness) were like he was painting a picture of my emotional state. A second man made a comment to another woman who had shared about how much her life had changed and how good things were, though she expressed some regret that she didn’t go to meetings very often…he stopped, looked at her and said “why not make this your meeting? Why not make this you primary purpose?” These words hit me like a ton of bricks. What is my primary purpose? It sure as hell has not been AA or I would have been to meetings in Florida and called my sponsor during the week and I surly would not be obsessing over my relationship with my wife and saying things to here to make her feel bad.
It is time for me to put my recovery first. There is no choice. I must finally take fearless action and make AA a priority…I need to face my insanity and my disease once and for all.
Weight: 240
Walk: About 2.00 miles, 34’30”
Location: Home - Treadmill
Today started like too many days. I went to bed with the intention of getting up early and starting the day right and ended up on the couch with my kids until 8:30. It’s easy to say its quality time with my kids, but really it’s just a selfish excuse to get more sleep that I don’t need. The fact is I’m still depressed and have not had proper priorities and perspective with my life. This came to me as I sat in church yesterday on Easter and also as I sat in a meeting at noon today. During the meeting I brought up the topic of step 3…turning my will and my life over to a higher power and a few of the comments that were shared really hit me and I decided to focus on these during my walk.
I am cramped for time today (because I didn’t get my day off to a good start), so I decided to walk on the treadmill to get my walk in before going to my son’s basketball game. I reflected on the lack of perspective that I have had. I have been spending so much of my time obsessing about my marriage and what will happen. I keep thinking that I must figure this out and express myself just the right way in order to make things work out. The fact is that the way that I have been obsessing and the way I finally expressed myself to my wife on Saturday evening has only done one thing, but a very important thing…it has proven to me that I am still battling the insanity of alcoholism and cannot manage my thoughts and my life. I am in not position to make any decisions, to be in a healthy relationship and to take care of myself because I have not made my recovery THE priority in my life. I read quite a bit and go to meetings when I can, but it is always secondary to something else and for this reason I am still suffering and obsessing.
In the meeting today one man spoke of how his life was before truly letting it all go to God and the words he used (confusion, despair, hopelessness) were like he was painting a picture of my emotional state. A second man made a comment to another woman who had shared about how much her life had changed and how good things were, though she expressed some regret that she didn’t go to meetings very often…he stopped, looked at her and said “why not make this your meeting? Why not make this you primary purpose?” These words hit me like a ton of bricks. What is my primary purpose? It sure as hell has not been AA or I would have been to meetings in Florida and called my sponsor during the week and I surly would not be obsessing over my relationship with my wife and saying things to here to make her feel bad.
It is time for me to put my recovery first. There is no choice. I must finally take fearless action and make AA a priority…I need to face my insanity and my disease once and for all.
Day 10 - Easter Break
Well, I took a day off. I thought that i would take this day to spend time with family and replect on the meaning of the day...I'll update tomorrow.
3/22/2008
Day 9...Love and marriage
March 22, 2008
Weight: 239
Walk: About 4 miles, 1 hour, 5’31”
Location: Home
Back home and I made today my longest walk yet. Not only was today long, but loaded with hills. It was a great workout. The weather is chilly, but the sun keeps it warm enough to be comfortable in just a sweatshirt. This was a new route to me and I likes a lot. I think I will try to do it whenever I have the time.
For my walk I spent most of the time thinking about my marriage. I am in a battle between my will and just letting God’s will take place. My wife wants to separate to have some time to herself and I don’t really know how to handle this. I love her so much and I know she loves me, but I also understand how she has felt suffocated through the years by me. I can now clearly see how my fears and self serving ways have wreaked havoc on our marriage. I guess I just feel that now that I have noticed this and am taking steps to heel myself and address my fear that things can be healthy and we can build a strong relationship. I’m just not sure that its enough.
This is the dilemma of the recovering alcoholic. I know that I need to just let it go and let God’s will unfold and I am willing to do that. I just ask for patience before we rush into anything. Perhaps I should just let her go and if she comes back it is what was meant to be and if she doesn’t, well, the same. It would be a much easier situation if it were not for our children. I really worry about putting too much change on them and am not sure how to handle the situation.
I know that I must continue to work on my own recovery and that must be first above anything else, but it is really hard to ignore my relationship with my wife because she is so important to me and I truly want what is best for her. Am I what’s best for her? I know that in the past I proved that I wasn’t, but I do have hope that we can be there for each other and rebuild a healthy, strong relationship based on love and compassion rather than guilt and fear.
Weight: 239
Walk: About 4 miles, 1 hour, 5’31”
Location: Home
Back home and I made today my longest walk yet. Not only was today long, but loaded with hills. It was a great workout. The weather is chilly, but the sun keeps it warm enough to be comfortable in just a sweatshirt. This was a new route to me and I likes a lot. I think I will try to do it whenever I have the time.
For my walk I spent most of the time thinking about my marriage. I am in a battle between my will and just letting God’s will take place. My wife wants to separate to have some time to herself and I don’t really know how to handle this. I love her so much and I know she loves me, but I also understand how she has felt suffocated through the years by me. I can now clearly see how my fears and self serving ways have wreaked havoc on our marriage. I guess I just feel that now that I have noticed this and am taking steps to heel myself and address my fear that things can be healthy and we can build a strong relationship. I’m just not sure that its enough.
This is the dilemma of the recovering alcoholic. I know that I need to just let it go and let God’s will unfold and I am willing to do that. I just ask for patience before we rush into anything. Perhaps I should just let her go and if she comes back it is what was meant to be and if she doesn’t, well, the same. It would be a much easier situation if it were not for our children. I really worry about putting too much change on them and am not sure how to handle the situation.
I know that I must continue to work on my own recovery and that must be first above anything else, but it is really hard to ignore my relationship with my wife because she is so important to me and I truly want what is best for her. Am I what’s best for her? I know that in the past I proved that I wasn’t, but I do have hope that we can be there for each other and rebuild a healthy, strong relationship based on love and compassion rather than guilt and fear.
Day 8...Ready to go home
March 21, 2008
Weight: ???
Walk: About 1.75 miles, 32”42”
Location: Tampa, FL
It is my last morning in Florida so I thought that I’d better take advantage to getting outside. It was actually a bit cold because the sun was not all the way up and there is a steady breeze. A bit chilly, but I warmed right up after a few minutes. To mix things up a little today I decided to incorporate a stair workout into my walk. The convention center across the way has a set of 40 steps so I did 5 loops going up and down to make today’s walk a little more of a workout. I figure that if one of my goals is to loose weight that I need to “step it up” a bit.
For today’s walk I really didn’t have any particular theme, I just kind of let thoughts come to me and realized that I’m very ready to go home. I have had a productive week, but it has been long and I really miss my boys and my wife and want to get home to them. I am really glad that I had this time away because it did give me the necessary down time to continue to walk and to think about putting things in better perspective and to focus on my relationship to God and the ability to let things go. I can’t say that I have completely given up and turned my life over quite yet, but I really feel like I have the ability to and I am just taking one step at a time and trying to make the next right decision and I do have the faith that things will work out as they are supposed to.
I am torn in understanding the difference between setting goals and trying to achieve them and just letting to and following God’s will and going where it takes me. If I set goals and set a plan to achieve them is that performing my will? Or is that how God wants me to approach my life and he will intervene when necessary? This is something that kind of confuses me and is a good topic to discuss at a meeting or with my sponsor because I feel that I have conflicting thoughts, but maybe they are in harmony? I guess this is something to continue to ponder and to discuss. The beauty is that I don’t have to figure it all out, but I do need to take the right action. Actually, I think I may have just answered my own question. Interesting…well it’s back north I go and I just can’t wait to see feel my boys run into my arms! It’s the best feeling in the world and its just a few hours away!
Weight: ???
Walk: About 1.75 miles, 32”42”
Location: Tampa, FL
It is my last morning in Florida so I thought that I’d better take advantage to getting outside. It was actually a bit cold because the sun was not all the way up and there is a steady breeze. A bit chilly, but I warmed right up after a few minutes. To mix things up a little today I decided to incorporate a stair workout into my walk. The convention center across the way has a set of 40 steps so I did 5 loops going up and down to make today’s walk a little more of a workout. I figure that if one of my goals is to loose weight that I need to “step it up” a bit.
For today’s walk I really didn’t have any particular theme, I just kind of let thoughts come to me and realized that I’m very ready to go home. I have had a productive week, but it has been long and I really miss my boys and my wife and want to get home to them. I am really glad that I had this time away because it did give me the necessary down time to continue to walk and to think about putting things in better perspective and to focus on my relationship to God and the ability to let things go. I can’t say that I have completely given up and turned my life over quite yet, but I really feel like I have the ability to and I am just taking one step at a time and trying to make the next right decision and I do have the faith that things will work out as they are supposed to.
I am torn in understanding the difference between setting goals and trying to achieve them and just letting to and following God’s will and going where it takes me. If I set goals and set a plan to achieve them is that performing my will? Or is that how God wants me to approach my life and he will intervene when necessary? This is something that kind of confuses me and is a good topic to discuss at a meeting or with my sponsor because I feel that I have conflicting thoughts, but maybe they are in harmony? I guess this is something to continue to ponder and to discuss. The beauty is that I don’t have to figure it all out, but I do need to take the right action. Actually, I think I may have just answered my own question. Interesting…well it’s back north I go and I just can’t wait to see feel my boys run into my arms! It’s the best feeling in the world and its just a few hours away!
3/20/2008
Day 7...A little humility goes a long way
March 20, 2008
Weight: 242
Walk: About 1.63 miles, 30”00”
Location: Tampa, FL (Hotel treadmill)
Well, the weather finally clouded up a bit. It is pleasant and good enough to walk outside, but I’m running a little behind today so I decided to stick with the treadmill. The Gym offers a nice view of the water so all was not lost. I walked at a pace of 3.3 mph at a 1% incline just to a little something to it. I could see the skullers on the water going by and I must say that I marvel at their dedication and discipline. These are 2 traits that I could use definite improvement in.
As I started to think about dedication and discipline I began to think about my flaws in these areas and the biggest one is financial. I have never been able to be disciplined financially and it is probably the biggest stress in my life. I have what seems to be an insurmountable amount of debt and I don’t know where to begin. As I thought about this more it brought me back to self will and finally to humility. Humility is the answer. I must be willing to admit my failure and unmanageability and seek outside help to solve this problem. Sound familiar? I must take the same tact that I have with my drinking problem, I cannot do it by myself. I must leg do of the tension and stress because it is behind me and pray for God’s help and will to guide me in the right direction.
I think that I do know what to do and must now be able to humble myself and take the approach that I don’t have the answers. It is not that I think if I pray to God he will help me lottery or something, but will help me to make better decisions and lead me down a path of recovery…mush like he has with my drinking problem.
It all comes down to the battle of my will versus his. My will tells me that I deserve all of the things that I want and I was given the credit to do just that…this is unmanageability or as they say in the big book, self will run riot. I can justify myself into any decision I want and continue to do this now…”I don’t have to go to a meeting this morning because I worked too late last night”…these are excuses and I now see more so as me ignoring God’s will. With every decision I make there is one direction that is better, it is just a matter of me making that decision and taking that action. It does not mean that the decision I make is necessarily wrong or bad, but it is not the better of the two. This is something that I need to pay more careful attention to and try to make more better decisions each day.
A great example of this is my decision to walk. I have now stuck with this for 7 days and I feel healthy. It is incredible. This is because I’m making the right decision each day to take the walk, no matter what. I have applied the same discipline to my drinking…I’m not taking a drink today no matter what! Here are two examples of how following God’s will has shown me results…why can’t it work for my financial situation? Just focus on today, right now and make the next right decision. It is a matter of faith. If I believe in God and believe in my ability to humble myself and follow his will I will be on
Weight: 242
Walk: About 1.63 miles, 30”00”
Location: Tampa, FL (Hotel treadmill)
Well, the weather finally clouded up a bit. It is pleasant and good enough to walk outside, but I’m running a little behind today so I decided to stick with the treadmill. The Gym offers a nice view of the water so all was not lost. I walked at a pace of 3.3 mph at a 1% incline just to a little something to it. I could see the skullers on the water going by and I must say that I marvel at their dedication and discipline. These are 2 traits that I could use definite improvement in.
As I started to think about dedication and discipline I began to think about my flaws in these areas and the biggest one is financial. I have never been able to be disciplined financially and it is probably the biggest stress in my life. I have what seems to be an insurmountable amount of debt and I don’t know where to begin. As I thought about this more it brought me back to self will and finally to humility. Humility is the answer. I must be willing to admit my failure and unmanageability and seek outside help to solve this problem. Sound familiar? I must take the same tact that I have with my drinking problem, I cannot do it by myself. I must leg do of the tension and stress because it is behind me and pray for God’s help and will to guide me in the right direction.
I think that I do know what to do and must now be able to humble myself and take the approach that I don’t have the answers. It is not that I think if I pray to God he will help me lottery or something, but will help me to make better decisions and lead me down a path of recovery…mush like he has with my drinking problem.
It all comes down to the battle of my will versus his. My will tells me that I deserve all of the things that I want and I was given the credit to do just that…this is unmanageability or as they say in the big book, self will run riot. I can justify myself into any decision I want and continue to do this now…”I don’t have to go to a meeting this morning because I worked too late last night”…these are excuses and I now see more so as me ignoring God’s will. With every decision I make there is one direction that is better, it is just a matter of me making that decision and taking that action. It does not mean that the decision I make is necessarily wrong or bad, but it is not the better of the two. This is something that I need to pay more careful attention to and try to make more better decisions each day.
A great example of this is my decision to walk. I have now stuck with this for 7 days and I feel healthy. It is incredible. This is because I’m making the right decision each day to take the walk, no matter what. I have applied the same discipline to my drinking…I’m not taking a drink today no matter what! Here are two examples of how following God’s will has shown me results…why can’t it work for my financial situation? Just focus on today, right now and make the next right decision. It is a matter of faith. If I believe in God and believe in my ability to humble myself and follow his will I will be on
3/19/2008
Day 6...Along the waterfront
March 19, 2008
Weight: ???
Walk: About 3 miles along Tampa Bay – 47’28”
Location: Tampa, FL
It is another spectacular day in Tampa. I decided to take a morning walk today because the rest of the day is full of meetings and I’m not sure what time I’ll get back this evening. I’m glad I went out because it is beautiful. They have a very nice walkway along the water here and I have now explored it pretty well. Today I decided to check out the ship that I can see across the Bay out of my window. It is an old pirate ship that is the basis of an annual festival here…yes, they celebrate piracy! Very interesting…the only thing that I could think of is how much my kids would love to be here for that!
I did not have any deep thoughts during today’s walk. I am feeling pretty good and my anxiety has subsided a bit. I am really making a conscious effort to remember that yesterday is gone, tomorrow never comes, today is here…get busy! This makes complete sense to me and is the philosophy I can get behind. It really means just making the most of every day and if you are caught up in yesterday or tomorrow you might miss it. It gets me back to growing spiritually and having enough faith to let go of the past AND the future and focus on doing the next right thing.
Towards the end of my walk I started thinking about discipline and how having this walk and writing each day has been a great exercise both mentally and physically. This made me think about what other ways that I may be able to incorporate more discipline in my life to help me improve with my work, my relationships and my spirituality. This is something that I think I have though about, but have not really taken the time to fully develop (which is one of my great flaws). I need to remember that thoughts without action are the same as inaction. Now that I’m making the effort to take time out each day to walk and think and actually pay attention to my thoughts I hope that I will start to be more active and put my good thoughts into action and dismiss the negative thoughts. I know that this is going to take practice and there will be bumps in the road and things are often not going to end up as I had invisioned, but that is what faith is all about. If I have faith and believe that my actions are working for God’s will and not mine then I can be comfortable with the results no matter what the outcome.
Now, get busy!
Weight: ???
Walk: About 3 miles along Tampa Bay – 47’28”
Location: Tampa, FL
It is another spectacular day in Tampa. I decided to take a morning walk today because the rest of the day is full of meetings and I’m not sure what time I’ll get back this evening. I’m glad I went out because it is beautiful. They have a very nice walkway along the water here and I have now explored it pretty well. Today I decided to check out the ship that I can see across the Bay out of my window. It is an old pirate ship that is the basis of an annual festival here…yes, they celebrate piracy! Very interesting…the only thing that I could think of is how much my kids would love to be here for that!
I did not have any deep thoughts during today’s walk. I am feeling pretty good and my anxiety has subsided a bit. I am really making a conscious effort to remember that yesterday is gone, tomorrow never comes, today is here…get busy! This makes complete sense to me and is the philosophy I can get behind. It really means just making the most of every day and if you are caught up in yesterday or tomorrow you might miss it. It gets me back to growing spiritually and having enough faith to let go of the past AND the future and focus on doing the next right thing.
Towards the end of my walk I started thinking about discipline and how having this walk and writing each day has been a great exercise both mentally and physically. This made me think about what other ways that I may be able to incorporate more discipline in my life to help me improve with my work, my relationships and my spirituality. This is something that I think I have though about, but have not really taken the time to fully develop (which is one of my great flaws). I need to remember that thoughts without action are the same as inaction. Now that I’m making the effort to take time out each day to walk and think and actually pay attention to my thoughts I hope that I will start to be more active and put my good thoughts into action and dismiss the negative thoughts. I know that this is going to take practice and there will be bumps in the road and things are often not going to end up as I had invisioned, but that is what faith is all about. If I have faith and believe that my actions are working for God’s will and not mine then I can be comfortable with the results no matter what the outcome.
Now, get busy!
3/18/2008
Day 5...Change of scenery
March 18, 2008
Weight: ???
Walk: About 2 miles along Tampa Bay – 35’30”
Location: Tampa, FL
I left home early this morning in the cold and was really looking forward to my walk in the sun…especially after yesterday’s messy walk. Today there was no mud, ice or falling. I’m in Tampa on business and my hotel is situated right along Tampa Bay on Harbour Island. I could not have asked for a more beautiful walk today. There is a walking path along the water where you can look at the water, flowery shrubs, yachts and very expensive condos. And as a topper, when I came back into the hotel they have a cute young lady ready with a cup of pineapple/kiwi infused water…nice touch!
As I soaked in the sun today I was thinking about my recent struggle with anxiety. I guess I was hoping for some kind of silver bullet and that by spending more time reflecting I would be able to eliminate anxiety but that has not been the case. I have come to the realization that I just need to accept that this anxiety and discomfort is part of the learning process. I think that often it takes a certain level of discomfort to avoid complacency, and I have no room for complacency in my life right now. I need to muster up all of the energy and focus I can to try and gain proper balance between myself, my family and my work.
From this point I started to focus on my breathing again to gain a better sense of acceptance of how to properly face this anxiety and remembered something my wife has told me…just remember that it won’t kill you. This is true acceptance. It is what it is…move on. From this point I started to think about the daily reflection that I read today which asked Am I living one day at a time? I would like to say that I am, but I don’t think I’m there yet. I would look at this as more of a goal that I hope to get to by continuing to take the next right step and gaining better perspective. What I really liked about the passage was that it focused on being persistent. I think this is the best advice I have read and I will continue to be persistent in praying, walking and trying to improve my spiritual state.
I believe in the promise of joy, peace, security and serenity if I am willing to do the work required to earn it. I hope that by taking time each day to walk, think, reflect and pray that these promises will be more visible in my life. Come to think of it I believe that it is already happening…I just need to pay attention and give thanks (one day at a time!).
Weight: ???
Walk: About 2 miles along Tampa Bay – 35’30”
Location: Tampa, FL
I left home early this morning in the cold and was really looking forward to my walk in the sun…especially after yesterday’s messy walk. Today there was no mud, ice or falling. I’m in Tampa on business and my hotel is situated right along Tampa Bay on Harbour Island. I could not have asked for a more beautiful walk today. There is a walking path along the water where you can look at the water, flowery shrubs, yachts and very expensive condos. And as a topper, when I came back into the hotel they have a cute young lady ready with a cup of pineapple/kiwi infused water…nice touch!
As I soaked in the sun today I was thinking about my recent struggle with anxiety. I guess I was hoping for some kind of silver bullet and that by spending more time reflecting I would be able to eliminate anxiety but that has not been the case. I have come to the realization that I just need to accept that this anxiety and discomfort is part of the learning process. I think that often it takes a certain level of discomfort to avoid complacency, and I have no room for complacency in my life right now. I need to muster up all of the energy and focus I can to try and gain proper balance between myself, my family and my work.
From this point I started to focus on my breathing again to gain a better sense of acceptance of how to properly face this anxiety and remembered something my wife has told me…just remember that it won’t kill you. This is true acceptance. It is what it is…move on. From this point I started to think about the daily reflection that I read today which asked Am I living one day at a time? I would like to say that I am, but I don’t think I’m there yet. I would look at this as more of a goal that I hope to get to by continuing to take the next right step and gaining better perspective. What I really liked about the passage was that it focused on being persistent. I think this is the best advice I have read and I will continue to be persistent in praying, walking and trying to improve my spiritual state.
I believe in the promise of joy, peace, security and serenity if I am willing to do the work required to earn it. I hope that by taking time each day to walk, think, reflect and pray that these promises will be more visible in my life. Come to think of it I believe that it is already happening…I just need to pay attention and give thanks (one day at a time!).
3/17/2008
Day 4...Walking though mud
March 17, 2008
Weight: 240
Walk: 1 lap Duck Pond Loop – 26’31”
Location: Home
Today it seems that my anxiety has followed me into the day. I’m not sure what is causing this…is it just too much on my mind from digging up all of these feelings that I have suppressed for so long? Is it my anti-depressant that I started to take again? I’m not sure, but it is really annoying. I was hoping that my walk would alleviate some of this and it has, but only slightly. I think I will need to do some yoga later on…I need to do something to start getting better sleep.
My walk today was fairly short, but it seems like the day is getting away from me and I still have much to do (maybe it’s my lack of organization that’s causing my anxiety!!!). Though my walk was short, I think it was very valuable. I walked around the duck pond down the hill from my house. I felt that I needed to get outside to walk today rather than just hitting the treadmill because it is a clear sunny day and after a long winter I felt the need to get out there even for a short time.
As I started walking I could feel the sun on my face warming me while the air was chilly enough so that I could see my breathe. This is a really great feeling because the cool air tastes clean and fresh, but the warm sun is a taste of things to come…better weather! I can remember loving these days when I was young. I was always going outside to play as soon as there was any sign of spring. No amount of mud could stop me! I was going out to play baseball. It is really funny because I watch my oldest son and he is the same. As soon as the snow is off the ground he is out there setting up bases and playing an imaginary game by himself…exactly like I used to.
I started my walk on the road around the pond as long as I could because it was really muddy and slick. At a certain point a decision has to be made to either stay on the road and walk the streets or head onto the trail that goes around the pond. I decided to head to the trail. The trail was a combination of frozen mud, ice, snow, grass and sloppy mud. The trail is very narrow and slopes down quickly. I learned this the hard way by trying to avoid the mud and instead slipping on the hill and falling. I fell a second time walking on a piece of ice, again to avoid the mud. I guess you could say there is a lesson in this for may and it may even be a way to explain my anxiety…sometimes you have to go through the mud to get where you’re going. And I would have to say that In my life I am walking through the mud right now in many ways, but I also try to avoid it now and then. In the past as soon as their was any sign of mud I could always find refuge in a drink. Now that I think of it, the experience of getting sober is quite a bit like walking through mud for a while. You have to watch each step carefully so you don’t fall and take your time. There is no need to rush because whatever you are walking to will still be there when you arrive and by being careful you won’t have to clean the mud off of your pants and your hands like I do right now. I guess that I look at the mud as a transition from the winter to the spring and my hope is that this journey is my transition from the Winter of my life to the Spring. This is something I want to think about more…
Weight: 240
Walk: 1 lap Duck Pond Loop – 26’31”
Location: Home
Today it seems that my anxiety has followed me into the day. I’m not sure what is causing this…is it just too much on my mind from digging up all of these feelings that I have suppressed for so long? Is it my anti-depressant that I started to take again? I’m not sure, but it is really annoying. I was hoping that my walk would alleviate some of this and it has, but only slightly. I think I will need to do some yoga later on…I need to do something to start getting better sleep.
My walk today was fairly short, but it seems like the day is getting away from me and I still have much to do (maybe it’s my lack of organization that’s causing my anxiety!!!). Though my walk was short, I think it was very valuable. I walked around the duck pond down the hill from my house. I felt that I needed to get outside to walk today rather than just hitting the treadmill because it is a clear sunny day and after a long winter I felt the need to get out there even for a short time.
As I started walking I could feel the sun on my face warming me while the air was chilly enough so that I could see my breathe. This is a really great feeling because the cool air tastes clean and fresh, but the warm sun is a taste of things to come…better weather! I can remember loving these days when I was young. I was always going outside to play as soon as there was any sign of spring. No amount of mud could stop me! I was going out to play baseball. It is really funny because I watch my oldest son and he is the same. As soon as the snow is off the ground he is out there setting up bases and playing an imaginary game by himself…exactly like I used to.
I started my walk on the road around the pond as long as I could because it was really muddy and slick. At a certain point a decision has to be made to either stay on the road and walk the streets or head onto the trail that goes around the pond. I decided to head to the trail. The trail was a combination of frozen mud, ice, snow, grass and sloppy mud. The trail is very narrow and slopes down quickly. I learned this the hard way by trying to avoid the mud and instead slipping on the hill and falling. I fell a second time walking on a piece of ice, again to avoid the mud. I guess you could say there is a lesson in this for may and it may even be a way to explain my anxiety…sometimes you have to go through the mud to get where you’re going. And I would have to say that In my life I am walking through the mud right now in many ways, but I also try to avoid it now and then. In the past as soon as their was any sign of mud I could always find refuge in a drink. Now that I think of it, the experience of getting sober is quite a bit like walking through mud for a while. You have to watch each step carefully so you don’t fall and take your time. There is no need to rush because whatever you are walking to will still be there when you arrive and by being careful you won’t have to clean the mud off of your pants and your hands like I do right now. I guess that I look at the mud as a transition from the winter to the spring and my hope is that this journey is my transition from the Winter of my life to the Spring. This is something I want to think about more…
3/16/2008
Day 3...Good Anxiety?
March 16, 2008
Weight: 239
Walk: 3 Mile loop – 50’ 18”
Location: Home
Another restless night. I’m not sure why I’m having such a hard time sleeping. I spent most of the day painting yesterday and felt physically exhausted, but still couldn’t sleep. I explained the feeling to my wife and she said quite simply it’s anxiety and by description I guess it is, but I usually thought of anxiety as a negative feeling, but I’m actually feeling much better than I have been recently. Maybe this anxiety is positive…a feeling of excitement and possibility that is just strange to me and my mind/body don’t quite know what to do with it. In just a few days of walking and practicing meditation I feel like I have stirred up the pot and all of these emotions, feeling, thoughts and memories are struggling to get out. The interesting thing about it is that while there are some negative feelings and emotions that I have recognized, there is a lot of good as well. I think that I have always had the ability to know what the right thing to do is (and in some cases have actually done it!), but often I have been too afraid for some reason and did not have the courage to deal with my feelings and situations. My hope is that this is in the process of changing.
This brings me to my point of reflection today, patience. I am a very impatient person. I want it, and I want it now. If I am not immediately satisfied or entertained I’m either off to the next thing or sit and in self pity, make justifications for my feelings and start to create resentments. I have a great difficulty focusing and my attention wanders constantly. This is especially noticed in my work and in dealing with my children. So on today’s walk I tried to focus solely on my breathing for the entire walk to try and cultivate the ability to do 1 thing for an extended period of time without distraction…how’d I do? Well, not too bad I guess. I was distracted by the snow flurries, different thoughts of family and work, the cars going by, fire trucks returning to the station and people passing me by. But these were pleasant distractions for the most part and I concentrated on letting them pass without obsessing and it was a very positive experience.
Some of the insights that crossed my mind were to start to appreciate the tings that God has given me rather than grasping and hoping for what I don’t have. I am quite fortunate in my life and need to appreciate things more. It is of no use worrying or even wondering what I might have if I had done things differently in the past…I must put that behind me and embrace what is right in front of me.
Another interesting insight today was noticing people as I passed them and wondering where they are going and what they are thinking. As I thought about this it dawned on me that I does not make any sense to even try and guess…how many of them looked at me and said “:there goes a man trying to find himself”. It is ridiculous to try and read people thoughts. The only thing that this leads to is the creation of false hope, unreal expectations and then finally resentment. This is an important thing for me because it is one of my greatest flaws.
Well, today I felt like I could just keep walking and enjoy the time with myself breathing and reflecting, but life calls and there is no point in finding me if I cannot share myself with others. Now its off to a birthday party with a bunch of 6-7 year olds…a real test in patience!
Weight: 239
Walk: 3 Mile loop – 50’ 18”
Location: Home
Another restless night. I’m not sure why I’m having such a hard time sleeping. I spent most of the day painting yesterday and felt physically exhausted, but still couldn’t sleep. I explained the feeling to my wife and she said quite simply it’s anxiety and by description I guess it is, but I usually thought of anxiety as a negative feeling, but I’m actually feeling much better than I have been recently. Maybe this anxiety is positive…a feeling of excitement and possibility that is just strange to me and my mind/body don’t quite know what to do with it. In just a few days of walking and practicing meditation I feel like I have stirred up the pot and all of these emotions, feeling, thoughts and memories are struggling to get out. The interesting thing about it is that while there are some negative feelings and emotions that I have recognized, there is a lot of good as well. I think that I have always had the ability to know what the right thing to do is (and in some cases have actually done it!), but often I have been too afraid for some reason and did not have the courage to deal with my feelings and situations. My hope is that this is in the process of changing.
This brings me to my point of reflection today, patience. I am a very impatient person. I want it, and I want it now. If I am not immediately satisfied or entertained I’m either off to the next thing or sit and in self pity, make justifications for my feelings and start to create resentments. I have a great difficulty focusing and my attention wanders constantly. This is especially noticed in my work and in dealing with my children. So on today’s walk I tried to focus solely on my breathing for the entire walk to try and cultivate the ability to do 1 thing for an extended period of time without distraction…how’d I do? Well, not too bad I guess. I was distracted by the snow flurries, different thoughts of family and work, the cars going by, fire trucks returning to the station and people passing me by. But these were pleasant distractions for the most part and I concentrated on letting them pass without obsessing and it was a very positive experience.
Some of the insights that crossed my mind were to start to appreciate the tings that God has given me rather than grasping and hoping for what I don’t have. I am quite fortunate in my life and need to appreciate things more. It is of no use worrying or even wondering what I might have if I had done things differently in the past…I must put that behind me and embrace what is right in front of me.
Another interesting insight today was noticing people as I passed them and wondering where they are going and what they are thinking. As I thought about this it dawned on me that I does not make any sense to even try and guess…how many of them looked at me and said “:there goes a man trying to find himself”. It is ridiculous to try and read people thoughts. The only thing that this leads to is the creation of false hope, unreal expectations and then finally resentment. This is an important thing for me because it is one of my greatest flaws.
Well, today I felt like I could just keep walking and enjoy the time with myself breathing and reflecting, but life calls and there is no point in finding me if I cannot share myself with others. Now its off to a birthday party with a bunch of 6-7 year olds…a real test in patience!
3/15/2008
Day 2: Too excited to sleep
March 15, 2008
Weight: 239
Walk: 2 miles 34’18”
Location: Home - Treadmill
I could not sleep at all last night! It kind of like that combination of anxiety, excitement and confusion that I used to get the night before the first day of school. I ended up getting up around 4:00 and figured that while I was feeling it that I would start working on writing my 4th step (Made a searching and fearless moral inventory of ourselves). After staying up until about 12:30 reading about love and compassion in Buddhist thought and indentifying many of my shortcomings and issues with building healthy relationships I thought that I was in the right frame of mind to start on this step that I have been putting off for months. After writing for about an hour or so I finally crashed on the couch until my boys woke me up around 7:30.
I finally made it to the treadmill a little after 9:00 for my walk. Today I figured that I should probably tone it down a little bit because last night I was absolutely wiped out from pushing on my 3 mile walk. I set the treadmill for 3.5 mph and took off.
My thoughts today were mostly around my readings and writings from last night asking for the ability to remove my defects including being judgmental, jealous, unaccepting and passive aggressive. I asked to be able to accept things and people as they are and to learn to be more compassionate. One thing I have learned in early recovery is that we, as people, are more alike than many of us would like to think. I have met so many people who I never would have imagined ever speaking to who I not only identify with, but have been great sources of strength and inspiration.
As I walked I also went through many of the people in my life expressing gratitude for them and the gifts that I have received from them. Especially those people whom I harbor resentments for are, because many of the are also the people I am most grateful for. I can say this because I can look at my role in each of these resentments and see how my selfishness and fear have fueled these resentments. I now hope for the ability to let go of these resentments, be rid of these defects of character and fill the void left with real love and compassion.
Being on the treadmill for this walk my journey was not filled with singing birds, but rather the sounds of my boys playing and fighting. In the past I would have lost it and started screaming at them, but today I decided to let them work it out (as long as no punched were thrown) and they seemed to do OK. I think that too often I get in the way rather than letting things run their course, not only with my children, but in many areas of my life. Maybe tomorrow I think about patience during my walk.
Weight: 239
Walk: 2 miles 34’18”
Location: Home - Treadmill
I could not sleep at all last night! It kind of like that combination of anxiety, excitement and confusion that I used to get the night before the first day of school. I ended up getting up around 4:00 and figured that while I was feeling it that I would start working on writing my 4th step (Made a searching and fearless moral inventory of ourselves). After staying up until about 12:30 reading about love and compassion in Buddhist thought and indentifying many of my shortcomings and issues with building healthy relationships I thought that I was in the right frame of mind to start on this step that I have been putting off for months. After writing for about an hour or so I finally crashed on the couch until my boys woke me up around 7:30.
I finally made it to the treadmill a little after 9:00 for my walk. Today I figured that I should probably tone it down a little bit because last night I was absolutely wiped out from pushing on my 3 mile walk. I set the treadmill for 3.5 mph and took off.
My thoughts today were mostly around my readings and writings from last night asking for the ability to remove my defects including being judgmental, jealous, unaccepting and passive aggressive. I asked to be able to accept things and people as they are and to learn to be more compassionate. One thing I have learned in early recovery is that we, as people, are more alike than many of us would like to think. I have met so many people who I never would have imagined ever speaking to who I not only identify with, but have been great sources of strength and inspiration.
As I walked I also went through many of the people in my life expressing gratitude for them and the gifts that I have received from them. Especially those people whom I harbor resentments for are, because many of the are also the people I am most grateful for. I can say this because I can look at my role in each of these resentments and see how my selfishness and fear have fueled these resentments. I now hope for the ability to let go of these resentments, be rid of these defects of character and fill the void left with real love and compassion.
Being on the treadmill for this walk my journey was not filled with singing birds, but rather the sounds of my boys playing and fighting. In the past I would have lost it and started screaming at them, but today I decided to let them work it out (as long as no punched were thrown) and they seemed to do OK. I think that too often I get in the way rather than letting things run their course, not only with my children, but in many areas of my life. Maybe tomorrow I think about patience during my walk.
3/14/2008
Day 1: A journey to discover me
March 14, 2008
Weight: 244
Walk: 3 mile loop, 45’48”
Today, I went for a walk. This would probably be a better suited title for someone who has actually read Thoreau, but here goes anyway…I’m not Forrest Gump or some kind of guru or health nut, I’m a depressed alcoholic looking for a way to get through today. I have been in recovery for just over a year, but still battle depression and have come to determine that I from the support I have gotten and the reading I have done that I know that I don’t have to live with this suffering, but that I have chosen to. I have started to pray (and it helps), go to support groups and read all kinds of self help books and all of it has brought me the conclusion that, yes, I am a depressed, co-dependent, overweight, debt-ridden, alcoholic who’s life is completely unmanageable. So there it is, that’s me. Over the years I have come up with all sorts of solutions to my problems and they have all led me to more problems. The fact is that I have never taken the time to actually get to know who I am. I have been afraid to really look at myself and also let others look at me as I really am. This is my shot at doing it.
Why the walk? Well, I have been reading a book on “Letting Go” which discusses Buddhist thinking and breaking the pattern of bad habit and find new, healthy habits to replace them. By walking I can do something that is healthy for my body, mind and soul. Normally I would strap on my mp3 and try to distract myself from myself, but today I decided to actually follow my breathing, my thoughts and pay attention to my surroundings. It was actually pretty cool.
Today’s walk was the normal 3 mile loop that goes through the neighborhood. It’s pretty hilly and a great workout. After completing the first walk I feel great! I really tried to focus on letting thoughts come to me and experiencing them (feels strange for me to write that) and when in doubt pay attention to my breathing. There was a little bit of cold drizzle, but it was actually refreshing as it didn’t start until mile 2. It seems that the weather may be starting to turn…I sure hope so because the treadmill does not have a very exciting view. At the end of my walk I thought that it may be a good idea to blog about this journey. First, think that it will motivate me to walk and to write and I know that both are good for me and help me to feel better and express myself rather than keeping things inside like a volcano waiting to erupt. Second, I have learned that inspiration and hope come in many ways and I can hope that somebody may stumble upon this someday and it will provide them with the sense of hope that I feel right now.
I’m very excited about this journey because I feel like I’ve hit on a path to freedom from my suffering, at least I have hope and what more can we really ask for. I have always had a feeling that I just might be a very interesting person if I allowed myself to be me…and you never know, I might end up liking me and maybe you will too.
Let the journey begin!!!
Weight: 244
Walk: 3 mile loop, 45’48”
Today, I went for a walk. This would probably be a better suited title for someone who has actually read Thoreau, but here goes anyway…I’m not Forrest Gump or some kind of guru or health nut, I’m a depressed alcoholic looking for a way to get through today. I have been in recovery for just over a year, but still battle depression and have come to determine that I from the support I have gotten and the reading I have done that I know that I don’t have to live with this suffering, but that I have chosen to. I have started to pray (and it helps), go to support groups and read all kinds of self help books and all of it has brought me the conclusion that, yes, I am a depressed, co-dependent, overweight, debt-ridden, alcoholic who’s life is completely unmanageable. So there it is, that’s me. Over the years I have come up with all sorts of solutions to my problems and they have all led me to more problems. The fact is that I have never taken the time to actually get to know who I am. I have been afraid to really look at myself and also let others look at me as I really am. This is my shot at doing it.
Why the walk? Well, I have been reading a book on “Letting Go” which discusses Buddhist thinking and breaking the pattern of bad habit and find new, healthy habits to replace them. By walking I can do something that is healthy for my body, mind and soul. Normally I would strap on my mp3 and try to distract myself from myself, but today I decided to actually follow my breathing, my thoughts and pay attention to my surroundings. It was actually pretty cool.
Today’s walk was the normal 3 mile loop that goes through the neighborhood. It’s pretty hilly and a great workout. After completing the first walk I feel great! I really tried to focus on letting thoughts come to me and experiencing them (feels strange for me to write that) and when in doubt pay attention to my breathing. There was a little bit of cold drizzle, but it was actually refreshing as it didn’t start until mile 2. It seems that the weather may be starting to turn…I sure hope so because the treadmill does not have a very exciting view. At the end of my walk I thought that it may be a good idea to blog about this journey. First, think that it will motivate me to walk and to write and I know that both are good for me and help me to feel better and express myself rather than keeping things inside like a volcano waiting to erupt. Second, I have learned that inspiration and hope come in many ways and I can hope that somebody may stumble upon this someday and it will provide them with the sense of hope that I feel right now.
I’m very excited about this journey because I feel like I’ve hit on a path to freedom from my suffering, at least I have hope and what more can we really ask for. I have always had a feeling that I just might be a very interesting person if I allowed myself to be me…and you never know, I might end up liking me and maybe you will too.
Let the journey begin!!!
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)